1.
girls named megan are the worst because there are infinity ways to spell megan and every girl named megan is the kind of girl who gets extremely offended when you spell her name wrong. "uhhh it's meaghaheahn, dumass!" ok sorry maugenst please forgive me and also leave
2.
Someone come collect my dad
3.
What’s the most ridiculous thing you got for Christmas I’ll start
4.
My dad wanted to surprise my little sister with Disney World by making her do a word puzzle. She got stuck here
5.
Wait They Were Seated After Us, Right? How Did They Get Their Food First? title of my forthcoming memoir
6.
anyway, father tom rode a hoverboard during mass
7.
airpod users welcoming new members who received them for christmas
8.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
9.
mom can you come get me people are getting engaged
10.
When this part of toxic comes on this is what happens in my mind
11.
Every year our aunt in Maine sends us little handmade chocolate lobsters. This year they are soap. Guess how I found out? 🦞 🧼 👄
12.
me forcing myself to look at my account balance after spending spontaneously https://t.co/myVbtThZZN
13.
me after drinking one cup of green tea
14.
someone who fucked me over: me: lol hey what’s up
15.
mary helping jesus get ready for his bday
16.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
17.
Nobody: STEM majors: