1. Triscuits are wicker:
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
2. Chucky could've been stopped:
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he's a doll
3. Kid Rock is Dr. Phil:
Why does Kid Rock look like Dr. Phil dressed up as Kid Rock
4. Toast is groundbreaking:
I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal
5. Mirrors are always used:
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
6. Work friends are somethin' else:
Work friends are so funny bc like do we see each other outside of work? Almost never. But do I know details about your sex life? Do i know your financial situation? Have i seen you in every mood imaginable? Do i know all your deepest darkest secrets? Hell yeah.
7. And so are lactose intolerant people:
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
8. Anxiety is kinda like this:
Anxiety is just spicy thoughts
9. And spiders are kinda like this:
Spiders are goth sewing machines.
10. Weekends as adults aren't great:
Weekends as an adult really suck. Friday: you work until 5 and you’re too tired to do anything. Saturday: you want to chill but you have to run errands or be productive. Sunday: you’re mad all day because it’s already almost Monday.
11. Being drunk is elegant:
It's not called slurring your words, it's called talking in cursive and it's fucking elegant
12. Cousins are friends or foes:
ur cousins are either ur bff’s or y'all don't fw each other at all
13. Boys prioritize differently:
boys prioritize their household necessities so weird. I’m currently in a house w/ no shower curtain in the bathroom, but 3 TVs in the living room
14. Everyone knows this feeling:
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket Me: ok I’ll take 2 Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
15. And thinks this:
Why Apple is worth $1 trillion
16. This emoji holds so much power and versatility:
I really love the 🤪 emoji. It’s so diverse. Am I having a mental breakdown 🤪? Am I fucked up 🤪? Am I being wild 🤪? Am I being sarcastic 🤪? Am I happy sad 🤪? The POWER this emoji holds, wow....
17. And lastly, this commandment is true:
if iced coffee can’t fix it nothing can