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38 Inventions That All Thirty-Somethings Wish Existed

This is "there's an app for that" for anyone who remembers the slogan "there's an app for that."

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1. A Freecycle specifically for mid-priced wedding gifts.

2. Pizza-flavoured kale.

3. A "mute" button you can use in company on parents who have suddenly become inexplicably politically incorrect.

4. Restaurants that serve antacids with the bill, instead of mints.

5. Instant telepathic Urban Dictionary that explains young-person slang, and includes expiration dates, so you don't mistakenly use the word "peng" when it was last spoken aloud in 2006.

6. Matrix-style, mentally-downloadable knowledge about how much salt we should be eating, which bits of our bodies we have to check for lumps, and how often.

7. Hangover-free beer.

8. Work holidays specifically for hangovers.

9. An app which generates believable-sounding weekend plans that you can share with colleagues on a Friday afternoon or Monday morning, instead of "Netflix" and "wondering where my life has gone."

10. A Star Trek-style transporter that a) automatically senses when an evening out has reached its peak, and b) instantaneously delivers you home to your bed, teeth brushed, pyjamas on, alarm set.

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11. Biodegradable clones that you can send to weddings that are held in the countryside and last all weekend.

12. "Pop-Up Video"-style information boxes for EVERY SINGLE SINGLE IN THE CHARTS.

13. An app that sends you a mild electric shock when you're about to say age-revealing terms such as "single" and "charts".

14. A plain English Apps Store explainer that details the real-world usage and appeal of Snapchat and Vine.

15. Bank accounts that deposit a heartwarming £5 into your account whenever a shop assistant mistakes you for a young person and asks for your ID.

16. A robot accountant that won't judge your Amazon expenditures. Everyone needs a body pillow, sinus irrigator and hot water bottle.

17. A 3am body-ache analyser that tells you immediately if it's a heart attack so you don't have to worry.

18. Smart sunglasses that tell you exactly how old anyone under 30 is because they all look the damn same.

19. A special nightclub with comfortable seating, where the music plays at a volume which allows you to talk to your friends.

20. A virtual accountant who explains your financial options using familiar memes and reaction gifs.

21. A total media blackout on beloved bands of your youth who are now doughy and sad and have reformed for tax purposes.

22. An auto-text you can send to prospective partners who are "just too into their own stuff to commit right now" that politely explains that it was nice meeting them but that their services are no longer required.

23. A convincing disguise you can wear to save face when you inevitably ask your neighbours to turn down their music. I mean, "music".

24. A change in the legal system that allows you to lightly smack someone with a glove if they refer to you being unmarried or childless with the words "tick tick tick".

25. A device that changes your voice to Morgan Freeman's when you feel people aren't taking you seriously.

26. Pre-printed information cards you can hand out to people under 30 whenever you reference The Matrix, 2 pence sweets, kids' TV from the 1970s and 1980s, and the fact that there used to be a one pound note.

27. A portable mirror-and-tweezers system that will discreetly alert you to any errant hairs on your face, neck or ears.

28. A pop-up warning on news sites that alert you to a Yewtree story, giving you time to privately say goodbye to beloved popular culture icons of your childhood.

29. Practical books about getting your shit together that come disguised as prize-winning tomes about alienation and crap.

30. Cinemas with footstools, large mugs of tea, and pause buttons that allow you to go to the toilet.

31. Corrective glasses that are so corrective that, after like three days of wearing them, you no longer require glasses.

32. Stilettos that feel like slippers.

33. A management course that offers counselling to deal with the fact that you are now a manager.

34. A gym that tones you up without you having to attend.

35. An invisible, sound-absorbing pillow you can scream into when people under 30 talk about someone who's "old" and it turns out that person is two years younger than you.

36. Deep Heat that smells like Chanel.

37. Dinner trousers. Basically maternity trousers but, instead of being for babies, for carbs.

38. Spray-on maturity.

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