1. Fire tweets.
Oh no. Madonna's at the front door of my nan's house again.
2. Perpetuating gender inequality.
Very sad to see that the gender pay gap persists even in the anthropomorphic hoover community.
3. Photo captions.
And the winner of the caption competition is...
4. Optimism.
It's November. It's raining. It's cold. An ice cream van has just pulled up. #OnlyInEngland
5. Making excuses.
6. Following instructions.
7. Unwavering politeness.
8. Being embarrassed by our mums.
Mum, that's not a picture of Jesus
9. Underplaying things because we don't want to cause a fuss.
10. Nominative determinism.
11. Writing local newspaper headlines.
12. Calling a spade a spade.
"I ran like a dick" is the quote of the Olympics so far
13. And a cunt a cunt.
14. Breaking snack-related records.
15. Romance.
16. Parenting.
#WorldBookDay Forgot they had to be in costume, so they're going to school as pages 89 & 165 of the Argos catalogue
17. OK, maybe not parenting.
why won't my nerd kids take ecstasy with me. I hate them
18. Poetry.
19. Avoiding the plastic bag tax.
Jason Kenny packing his kit into a Bag for Life just after winning his sixth gold medal is the most British thing I've ever seen
20. Self-deprecation.
Worst. Tinder bio. Ever.
21. Foreshadowing.
22. Honour and integrity.
A Glaswegian responds to Tesco customer service.
23. White male comedian head-scratching.
Comedians with Itchy Scalps.
24. Creeping out our friends.
My mate forgot to sign out of the 'find my phone' app on my tablet so I now always know where he is
25. Trolling Americans.
I tried making biscuits & gravy like all the Americans said, but it was fucking horrible. Don't bother trying it.
26. Subtle acts of anarchy.
27. Having a pint despite inconvenient acts of god.
Can we all establish that the pub near where I live has flooded and there's 2 guys drinking a pint like nouts wrong
28. Acronyms.
29. TV news captions.
More of this please BBC. #dogsoftwitter
30. Quietly sniggering.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany's hockey team.
31. Following our dreams.
My #ALevelResults were reasonable and now I run a Thomas the Tank Engine reactions account on Twitter. Don't let your dreams be dreams.