Buzz·Posted on 22 Dec 201729 Jokes That Made Twitter Almost Bearable In 2017Almost.by Robin EddsBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. A Ray in a Manger @SirEviscerate GOD: You have probably 70-80 years at most before you die, ideally. MAN: oh. well, i'll make the most of- GOD: You'… https://t.co/QrYHZuOGnE 03:16 PM - 19 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. asexual like christ @junieboony judge: you’re charged with jaywalking how do you plead? me: *leans into mic* i’ll take the death penalty 12:47 AM - 18 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Not Sara @smithsara79 Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yours… https://t.co/jdvm5N7fQM 04:31 PM - 11 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. cory from tweeter @coryrichardson_ [movie date] me: i snuck in some snacks her: omg!! me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water 04:05 AM - 18 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Parker @panoparker Friend 1: "Where's the best place to stand during an earthquake?" Friend 2: "A doorway, a car, under the bed?" Me… https://t.co/43nOMh5WmD 08:21 PM - 14 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Gracie McIntosh @Gracietosh i just drove through Harvard’s campus and asked these dudes if they went to Harvard they said yes i said oh ya then… https://t.co/xscg3Ppfbk 11:10 PM - 11 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. 🤶Mistle-no Marti🎄 @MartiSchodt What do we want? DRESSES WITH POCKETS! How do we want them? FILLED WITH SNACKS! What kind of snacks? PREFERABL… https://t.co/oEZFpUK9za 11:00 PM - 08 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. haroun @hqdada what if the FBI agent monitoring my laptop activity falls in love with me 01:14 PM - 08 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. k e i t h 🐤🥔 @KeetPotato me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" girl: "dude, this is a library" me: "oh" [screwin… https://t.co/Ct5UX8dDTU 02:43 PM - 28 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Probability The Rapper @random_weighs Just so we’re clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair. 12:41 AM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Tom @SydneyTom_ Biden: Imma ring him and pretend I'm from Time magazine. Obama: Joe, please don't d... Biden: 02:44 AM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Cohen✨is a Ghost of Christmas @skullmandible long ago the four nations lived in harmony 01:54 AM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Hippo @InternetHippo julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me 11:38 PM - 21 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Ciara @Ciara_Knight .@FoxNews WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TELL US HOW THE FOXES ARE 08:05 PM - 04 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. David Hughes @david8hughes [sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap] Me: dude that thing's for bears 04:34 PM - 17 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. eric turtle @dubstep4dads me: what do u mean my friend cant come in bouncer: theres no way hes 21 me: but- stuart little: dude its fine lets just go 02:05 AM - 11 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Michelle Lee @heymichellelee from left to right: me on twitter, facebook, tumblr, instagram, and linkedin 07:20 PM - 26 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. the library goth @BozeReads MARRIAGE 👏 IS 👏 BETWEEN 👏 A WOMAN 👏 AND 👏 WHOEVER 👏 GUESSES 👏 HER 👏 THREE 👏 RIDDLES 05:57 AM - 25 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Ygrinch @Ygrene [Alien family passing Earth] *door lock noise* 10:53 PM - 09 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. brandon sheffield @necrosofty Q: What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE 01:14 AM - 03 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Alex with an ex @psybermonkey David: *plays secret chord* The Lord: Nice. 09:44 PM - 13 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Tom Neenan @TNeenan PUBLISHER: I hope this is better than your last book idea about a murderer called Hurderer THOMAS HARRIS: Its about a cannibal P: Go on 09:23 AM - 31 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Marf @MarfSalvador Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many 12:42 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. manytypesoftea @manytypesoftea CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic 10:53 AM - 15 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄 @Flora__Flora How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra 07:01 PM - 29 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. vineyille @vineyille “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly. 02:32 PM - 21 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. joe-gle bells @mutablejoe mary: you sorted that hotel out joseph: yes, obviously, of course, stop going on about it, god 08:08 PM - 20 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov [concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months 05:02 AM - 09 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. childish sadbino @datassque yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. 02:47 AM - 30 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite