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29 Jokes That Made Twitter Almost Bearable In 2017

Almost.

1.

GOD: You have probably 70-80 years at most before you die, ideally. MAN: oh. well, i'll make the most of- GOD: You'… https://t.co/QrYHZuOGnE

2.

judge: you’re charged with jaywalking how do you plead? me: *leans into mic* i’ll take the death penalty

3.

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yours… https://t.co/jdvm5N7fQM

4.

[movie date] me: i snuck in some snacks her: omg!! me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

5.

Friend 1: "Where's the best place to stand during an earthquake?" Friend 2: "A doorway, a car, under the bed?" Me… https://t.co/43nOMh5WmD

6.

i just drove through Harvard’s campus and asked these dudes if they went to Harvard they said yes i said oh ya then… https://t.co/xscg3Ppfbk

7.

What do we want? DRESSES WITH POCKETS! How do we want them? FILLED WITH SNACKS! What kind of snacks? PREFERABL… https://t.co/oEZFpUK9za

8.

what if the FBI agent monitoring my laptop activity falls in love with me

9.

me: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" girl: "dude, this is a library" me: "oh" [screwin… https://t.co/Ct5UX8dDTU

10.

Just so we’re clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

11.

Biden: Imma ring him and pretend I'm from Time magazine. Obama: Joe, please don't d... Biden:

12.

13.

julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me

14.

.@FoxNews WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TELL US HOW THE FOXES ARE

15.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap] Me: dude that thing's for bears

16.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in bouncer: theres no way hes 21 me: but- stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

17.

from left to right: me on twitter, facebook, tumblr, instagram, and linkedin

18.

MARRIAGE 👏 IS 👏 BETWEEN 👏 A WOMAN 👏 AND 👏 WHOEVER 👏 GUESSES 👏 HER 👏 THREE 👏 RIDDLES

19.

[Alien family passing Earth] *door lock noise*

20.

Q: What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE

21.

David: *plays secret chord* The Lord: Nice.

22.

PUBLISHER: I hope this is better than your last book idea about a murderer called Hurderer THOMAS HARRIS: Its about a cannibal P: Go on

23.

Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many

24.

CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic

25.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

26.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

27.

mary: you sorted that hotel out joseph: yes, obviously, of course, stop going on about it, god

28.

[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months

29.

yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.