1. There are two types of football in this world, and only one is worth watching...
2. They both involve a load of people knocking a ball around a rectangular box. But only one of them is any good...
3. You see, American football just doesn't have the same history as the REAL version of football, which is based on rules from the 19th century.
But you know what they say about Americans and history...
4. They both claim to be the greatest sport in the world. But in American football...where are the individual stars?
5. American football players wear so much padding. Padding on their ass, padding on their shoulders, padding in their helmet, padding on the posts...
Try playing with just a pair of shin pads, lads.
6. And the coaches always seem to be angry middle-aged men in tracksuits shouting from the sidelines.
7. You're obsessed with winning trophies – what's the deal, why do you care so much? It's just a piece of metal in the shape of a rugby ball.
8. You're always talking about how it's this "collision sport", but we all know which "football" the real heroes play.
9. You need to stop flopping and diving all the time.
10. You'd never see such bad sportsmanship happen in our version of football.
11. American football fans are obsessed with fantasy football, with the EA Sports Madden games. We'd never get wrapped up with that sort of thing in the UK.
12. You seem to have this obsession with stats, which distracts you from the action on the pitch.
13. But British sports rise above all that.
14. Your fans just don't seem to have the same levels of passion.
15. You never make it clear who you're supporting.
16. You just don't seem to get into it in quite the same way.
17. Where are your idols? Where are your heroes?
18. Where are your celebrity fans?
19. WHERE ARE THEY?
20. Where's the emotion?
WHERE IS IT?!
21. Where's the sense of fun?
Oh...there it is.