20 Tips For Survival In The Harry Potter Universe

Do you dream of going to Hogwarts? Still waiting for your Hogwarts letter, despite the fact that your 11th birthday was a good decade ago? Would you totally go even if it meant you had to be the weird Mary Sue-ish American Transfer Cliche? Me too, man. So, I went and scrounged about and (with a little help from a few lovely people on MyHogwarts) came up with a list of twenty easy rules that will practically guarantee that you'll survive your seven years of wizard schooling, should you ever be fortunate enough to go there.

THE RULES OF THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE

(Or, How To Not Be Cannon Fodder)

Wherever you go, don’t forget to bring your wand.

Your house defines you for the rest of your life – Gryffindors are seen as cannon fodder, Hufflepuffs are pushovers, Slytherins are scheming evil buggers, and Ravenclaws are loony, detached nerds. Of course, we all know that’s not REALLY true… but that’s the stereotype.

Do not go to the bathroom on Halloween; there may be trolls.

Don’t go to the bathroom alone. Hermione went alone and nearly got killed by a troll. Moaning Myrtle went alone and a basilisk killed her. Ginny went alone, and got kidnapped by a fragment of Tom Riddle’s soul. Katie Bell went alone, and got imperiused into carrying a cursed necklace, accidentally touched it, and had to spend several MONTHS in St Mungo’s. Draco went alone, and Harry nearly killed him by accident. Harry went alone, and a ghost nearly molested him. Don’t go to the bathroom alone.

If they have red hair, and hand me down robes, it’s safe to assume they’re a Weasley. (Terrible complexion? More children than they can afford? Definitely a Weasley.)

No matter what you do in life, the greatest honor you can possibly achieve is having your own Chocolate Frog Card.

It’s LeviOsa , not LevioSAH . And make the gar sound nice and long.

Always address a Ravenclaw as “Oh Wise One”. Do not be sarcastic. That generally doesn't end well.

Do not worry if you see things no one else does. You have not gone mad. There is a fat chance you are just as sane as people who wear radish earrings, Butterbeer cork necklaces and read their magazines upside down.

You are hopelessly mundane if you mistake the dulcet tones of the Inner Eye at work for the clanking of empty cooking sherry bottles.

Never trust anything that thinks for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.

Never trust anything that thinks for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.

Be careful at whom you throw your socks. You might be forced to enroll in a course for household charms and spells faster than you can say "Merlin's beard"!

“Every flavor jellybeans” really does mean every flavor jellybeans. Eat at your own risk.

Blood status is very confusing, iffy, and inaccurate business. Just go through life saying that you're a Half-Blood, and everything should work out alright.

Calling centaurs “filthy half-breeds” may be hazardous to your health.

If you see a green light, ducking is preferable.

If you are feeling sad, the dementors are at fault, and it is perfectly acceptable to consume large amounts of chocolate.

When the leader of the Light offers to be your secret keeper, say yes. It’s usually bound to end well.

Immortality is completely and totally attainable. The cost? Your nose.