1.
Oh, God. What's happening? I'm going to die. --my baby, 10 seconds after anyone sets her down
2.
3.
Me: [in bathroom] 7yo: [knocks] MOMMY? Me: Yeah pal 7: IT'S ME Me: I know 7: YOUR SON Me: Knew that too
4.
OK KIDS, YOU CAN EACH JUMP IN THE POOL ONE MORE TIME, THEN IT'S TIME TO GO ok two more times, ok three but then that's ok four but then we'r
5.
Me: *dead in a casket* Kids: Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad!!!
6.
1. Buy tape 2. Hide tape from kids 3. Need tape 4. Can't find tape 5. Ask kids where I hid the tape 6. Repeat
7.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
8.
"Wanna come to my birthday party?!" -my 6yo, to everyone he meets, 11 months before his birthday
9.
1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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11.
Son: Mom you look like you're 20 ... Me: Awwwww Son: ... thousand years old.
12.
Do you have to go to the bathroom? No You sure? Yes How about now? No Now? No [movie begins] Daddy? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
13.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don't play with, so if you hear a commotion it's just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
14.
7yo: You count to 20 and I'll hide. Me: Ok. [Starts counting.] [Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
15.
6yo: Can I hold the baby? Me: Do you promise to be really careful? 6yo: (holding open juice cup sideways and jumping) YES! I PROMISE!
16.
Your child's favorite toy is whichever one they just lost.
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18.
3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack.
19.
Top ways to screw up your kids: 3) parenting them too much 2) not parenting them enough 1) parenting them exactly the right amount