1.
2.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
3.
ZOOKEEPER: get out of the penguin exhibit ME(dressed up in a tuxedo): no ZOOKEEPER: they know you're not their king ME: i'm coming out
4.
hello yes. i'd like to change families
5.
the robot walks into the room & thinks 'what did I come in here for, must be getting old haha' the family are cowering behind the curtain
6.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how'd u get up there? snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
7.
when your nan brings the biscuit barrel out..
8.
[during sex] i can put my hat on backwards if you wanna kiss
9.
Karen from accounting thinks I hate all birds because she caught me yelling at a bird but the truth is I only hate one specific bird
10.
@Tesco transfer me 10,000 club card points and you can have it back
11.
U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said
12.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?
13.
my boys hyped me up to post this, idk i felt kinda cute, might delete later
14.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in bouncer: theres no way hes 21 me: but- stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
15.
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS: * Open casket * Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance * My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa
16.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men's Warehouse? Me: I have no idea. Don't go outside tho
17.
My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours that baby's gotta be so fucking clean by now what the fuck are they even doing
18.
if ur man ever say the word "scrumptious" out loud in public just dump him
19.
bröther may i have some öats
20.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife* Hello Karen. Maybe you'd like to tell me who used all my essential oils
21.
"SLOW DOWN, YOU OLD BITCH," I scream at the YouTube knitting tutorial lady.