1.
Me: I know you from somewhere Jesus: I get that a lot Me: no I'm sure Jesus: just one of those faces Me: [holding arms out] go like this
2.
Free idea for a commercial for queso: a judge tries some inferior queso & says "queso dismissed!" Guys, I'm feeling pretty isolated rn
3.
[date] me *quietly*: don't let her know you miss the late winters of your childhood her: so- me: ah, the way the water flowed under the snow
4.
it’s a-me,
5.
[on phone to gf] her: "you never understand me anymore so.." me: "so what?" her: "we're breaking up" me: "i can hear you fine"
6.
Date - "lets watch a DVD, I've got Ratatouille?" Me - "no thanks, I haven't seen rataONEille hahaha" Date - "you know what I'm pretty tired"
7.
Dad: *hands me pen* This was your Grandpa's. He used it to write us during WWII and- Me: I lost it D: What? M: I've already lost the pen
8.
When someone shows up to the party with the same basket as you
9.
[on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
10.
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS: * Open casket * Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance * My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa
11.
date: you didn't tell me you drove an uber me: yeah pretty sweet huh passenger: are these waters free
12.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair
13.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day ME: Thanks, have a great baby
14.
10:00 am: sitting alone at work 10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend 10:06 am: ate my best friend 10:07 am: sitting at work alone
15.
bröther may i have some öats
16.
Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares
17.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
18.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife* Hello Karen. Maybe you'd like to tell me who used all my essential oils
19.
and im falling asleep and she calling a cab while he's having a smoke and hes also a crab
20.
[At the Rumble] her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels* me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
21.
Karen from accounting thinks I hate all birds because she caught me yelling at a bird but the truth is I only hate one specific bird