1.
Life is pretty expensive given how garbagy it is
2.
My email address? Sure, it's "all one word at" all one word "at all one word dot com you got that" all one word ".com". You got that?
3.
4.
old man: "when i was your age telephones were attached to the wall" me: [using iphone that's plugged in 14hrs a day] "well that sounds shit"
5.
Nobody has been stood up more times than the gym.
6.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
7.
Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people
8.
me at age 8: if i eat my lunch quicker i have more time for recess me at age 28: today i will eat lunch at 10:50 and a second lunch at 3:15
9.
MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no" [later] JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing [later] ME: so mom, guess what
10.
11.
I'm ready to tell the truth: Despite what I've told people for years, the reality is, I've never actually been sorry my car is such a mess
12.
*something bad happens* Ah just as I expected *something good happens* This is some kind of trick
13.
So much of my adult life has been spent pretending I wasn't going for a high five
14.
How to adult: At work? Want to go home. At home? Want to do something. Doing something? Want to be in bed. In bed? Don't sleep.
15.
personal trainer: so what is ur fitness goal me: to not hate myself trainer: lol good luck
16.
Waiter: Do you want to take a look at some dessert? Me:
17.
I'm at my most desperate when food comes but it's too hot to eat.
18.
me: I have a bachelors degree waiter: so do I bus boy: so do I rat feeding on crumbs under the table: hey me too
19.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them