1.
do u ever choke drinking plain water and feel so betrayed
2.
college: get drunk and throw up in a mailbox now: get drunk and submit like 500 dog adoption applications
3.
I'm jealous of babies because they don't know anybody yet
4.
Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.
5.
When I drink my tea I make sure to sigh and say “I really needed this” so everyone knows what kind of day I've had
6.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
7.
My favorite thing about classic authors like Hemingway is how impressive their books are on my shelf when guests come over
8.
[inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
9.
why is my stomach so flat in the mornings until i eat a crumb and i'm suddenly 8 months pregnant with twins
10.
[carrot slice falls on the floor] Ah well I guess it's in the trash with you [potato chip falls on the floor] YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
11.
me: I never have crushes, crushes suck also me: sees a guy on the train every day, calls him my train boyfriend, imagines our train wedding
12.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn't answer my phone for 5 years
13.
All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.
14.
[first date] "table or booth?" date: table me: we're done here
15.
im gonna have a productive weekend *watches 3 seasons of a show* *organizes shirts by softness* *naps 5 times* ugh i never have enough time
16.
In case you are wondering about my styling: hair by Wind™, face by Tired™
17.
R u ever having like a nice chill night and then u decide to casually check up on someone via social media who ruined your life...
18.
God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.
19.
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, "Oh look. Horses."
20.
"Based on a true story" means that the real event happened to a much less attractive person.
21.
me: hey friend who has been thinking abt quitting their job for the past 186 weeks: im gonna do it. im gonna quit my job this week