Buzz·Posted on 10 Aug 201619 Tweets That Are Funny Because They're Fucking True"Hand dryers are a great way to waste 5 minutes before I wipe my hand on my jeans."by Remee PatelBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. james nielssen @cool_as_heck Friend: Hey check out this 5 minute YouTube video! Me: *replies 20 seconds later* Amazing. Best video I've ever seen in my entire life tysm 05:02 PM - 08 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. jomny sun @jonnysun my favorite thing is that evrey single person watching the olympics legitimatley believes "i coud do that if i just trained for like a year" 09:17 PM - 08 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. 4. Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin Getting older is just a slow parade of different body parts going "um, actually" 04:25 AM - 04 Jul 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. A_B @Anon_imosity Hand dryers are a great way to waste 5 minutes before I wipe my hands on my jeans. 12:55 AM - 20 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Matt Monroe @heymonroe In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen. 03:19 PM - 01 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. leon @leyawn me at age 8: if i eat my lunch quicker i have more time for recess me at age 28: today i will eat lunch at 10:50 and a second lunch at 3:15 02:54 PM - 26 May 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1 1.Not leaving my room 2.Not leaving the house 3.Missing someone's birthday party My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies. 06:23 PM - 24 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. 10. Frankie @phranqueigh It's a beautiful day outside! Better move my laptop away from the window so there's no glare on my screen. 03:05 PM - 14 May 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. angie b @angibangie If you don't say 'haha' after everything you write, will they even know you're easygoing and breezy? 02:17 AM - 11 May 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. ᴄʜʀɪs @ChrisScarlette me, without money: money is the root of all evil. the things u own end up owning u me, with money: ya can i get 20 mcchickens 08:08 PM - 21 Nov 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Erica @SCbchbum Every voicemail I leave sounds like English is my second language. 05:52 PM - 02 Apr 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Nice Eric @ericsshadow drunk me: I'm tired sober me: I'm tired coffee me: I'm tired cocaine me: I'm tired on fire me: I'm tired 10:00 PM - 08 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area. 11:39 PM - 15 Jun 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Sandra @Sanbel11 Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages? 02:14 PM - 15 Jun 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. 18. Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn The stages of eating pizza 1) I ate way too much 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die 4) Just 3 more slices 11:13 AM - 20 Jul 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. pat tobin @tastefactory When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult 02:24 AM - 18 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite