1.
*phone battery drops to 92%* you guys, I'm sorry, I'd better go home
2.
Why do I drive on a parkway but cry in my driveway
3.
Making a list in Word 1. Word plz make me a list 2. No wait what are you d 2. 2. wtf is this c. no this isn't what • WTF
4.
I know I’m getting older because my road rage obscenities are turning into things like “WATCH IT BUSTER BROWN” and… https://t.co/SYTSGpxOA5
5.
ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
6.
me, to strangers: i just have a cold. i'll be fine me, to friends:
7.
You haven't really used a crockpot until you've left it in the sink for 4 days to "soak."
8.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
9.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
10.
[reasons you dislike people in real life] - they are rude - they are unkind - they are obnoxious [reasons you disl… https://t.co/7dSBy7gpgX
11.
Ya know you’re tired when you google things that are too vague & too specific at the same time like “that soft cookie i had” & “round shoes”
12.
“You can stare as long as you want, I’m not sharing” - me about to give my dog half of my sandwich
13.
*checks bank account* *adjusts tinder age range to 55+*
14.
Most commonly lost things: Pens Lighters Glasses Self-respect Will to live
15.
do u ever choke drinking plain water and feel so betrayed
16.
Nothing forces me to acknowledge my own mortality more than seeing my hand skin under a Dyson Air Blade hand dryer.
17.
ME: *does something stupid* I hope no one saw me do that ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
18.
Well the series I was watching on Netflix is over so I guess I'm ready to die.
19.
If I was accidentally weird to you once just know I will be thinking about it every night for the next 50 years