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69 Thoughts You Have While Having A Pedicure

I wonder if my feet are the ugliest she's ever seen?

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1. Time to get the crust machines out of hibernation.

2. What's the difference between the regular and the deluxe pedicure?

3. Is deluxe for really ugly feet?

4. Deluxe it is.

5. I never know which colour to pick – all of these reds look the same to me.

6. Must pick something I'm happy with because god knows it will survive a fucking apocalypse.

7. Ooh, I love these massage chairs!


8. Slow vibration with back-kneading, oh, hell yeah.

9. OH MY GOD why does it feel like someone is trying to punch me in the back?

10. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU TURN THIS OFF?

11. Maybe I should just read a magazine, or is that rude?


12. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT WATER IS HOT.

13. Must not say anything or my pedicurist will think I am weak.

14. She's already given me several disapproving looks.

15. Must try to redeem myself, make her think I have my shit together.

16. Is that...is that hair on my toes?

17. Great – these are probably the ugliest feet she has ever seen.

18. Maybe I should say to her: "If anyone can make them beautiful, you can."

19. No, don't be weird.

20. The lady next to me is having a right old chinwag with her pedicurist.

21. Why isn't my lady talking to me?

22. We could be laughing the way they are, we could have what they have.

23. OWWWW she's scrubbing so hard.

24. It tickles and hurts all at the same time, the worst kind of torture.

25. Remember, you must not show anymore signs of weakness.


26. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW THIS IS NOT AS RELAXING AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

27. Oh shit, she's bringing out the blade.

28. She's gonna shave off all of my dead, crusty-ass skin.

29. OH HELL YEAH.

30. Fuck, is all of that of dead skin on the towel mine?

31. THAT IS FUCKING NASTY.

32. Yet oddly satisfying.

33. Oh god, oh god, she is doing something wonderful to my legs now.

34. I wonder if she's noticed I haven't shaved in a few days.

35. Must be so...prickly.

36. This is worse than that time I purposely didn't shave my legs so I wouldn't shag my Tinder date but then ended up shagging them anyway.

37. If only she knew how much I sought her approval.


38. OOOOHHH THIS MASSAGE FEELS SOOO DAMN GOOOOD.

39. Must not moan out loud – just nod and smile.

40. OK, last chance, do you really want that colour?

41. Yes.

42. No.

43. Yes.

44. Shit. Is it too late to pick another one?

45. Oh crap, she's opening it, yup, it's definitely too late.

46. She's staring at me – she senses I have doubted myself.

47. Just stick with the red, be confident about it! Let her know you are strong! Let her know you make good choices!

48. Actually, this colour does looks quite nice.

49. I hate slipping on these foam flip-flops, makes me nervous.

50. Don't make any sudden movements or you'll fuck it all up and she'll hate you more than she already does. Which is a lot.

51. Do I tip her now or...

52. Oh. She's gone.

53. She's moved on to someone else.

54. Already.

55. Don't be sad – that's weird.

56. Damn. That girl got pink, I should have got pink.

57. This drying machine feels weird.

58. Oh hello, random man suddenly and almost violently massaging me.

59. Actually that feels kinda ni–

60. Wait, that's it?

61. My toes must be dry by now. I've been sitting here forever.

62. I think they've forgotten about me.

63. Don't be sad – that's weird.

64. Oh, here's my pedicurist, she should know!

65. OMG she's smiling at me and oh-so-gently removing the tissue from in between my toes.


66. OMG SHE'S HELPING ME PUT ON MY SHOES.

67. OMG SHE LOVES ME SHE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.

68. Definitely has nothing to do with the insane tip I gave her even though I was 100% sure she was judging me the entire time.

69. My feet do look pretty, though.

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