51 Things I Learned From Being On Tinder For One Year
Swiping should count as exercise.
1. Getting a match isn't so hard if you swipe continuously until your thumb drops off.
2. But sending the first message to a match is basically rocket science.
3. Because saying "Hi" makes you sound like you've never interacted with a human before.
4. And asking if they smell like bread even though they said they work in a bakery in their profile, is apparently weird.
5. Under no circumstances should you write "Heyyyy".
6. Basically there is no good way to start a conversation.
7. People really like taking selfies in cars.
8. Which will make you worry about the state of road safety these days.
9. There are a lot of Z-list celebrities on Tinder.
10. Mainly people who were once on Dinner Date.
11. Despite their practically non-existent fame, you'll still feel compelled to swipe right, just to see if you'll match with them.
12. You won't.
13. Moving a conversation to WhatsApp is an important milestone.
14. And it will mean you probably now have enough information to find their Linkedin profile.
15. Before a first date, it is protocol to send your mate screenshots of your date's profile and every conversation you've ever had with them.
16. But only to your single mates.
17. Your non-single mates are never to be trusted with anything Tinder-related after they matched you with twenty people they thought had "kind eyes".
18. Everyone you match with will have the same damn name.
19. So you'll differentiate between them by allocating them a number on your phone.
20. Which works fine until you're chatting to three different Matts at the same time.
21. And you accidentally text Matt Tinder 3 to tell him how you had a great time last night when you actually went out with Matt Tinder 1.
22. People who superlike have absolutely no chill.
23. There will be periods where it feels like no one likes you or can be bothered to talk to you.
24. But there will also be periods where you like no one and cannot be bothered to talk to anyone.
25. Even Tinder is seasonal.
26. You can conjure up a million different pictures of how you think your date will look, speak, or act.
27. And they won't match any of them in real life.
28. So only expect the unexpected.
29. You will lose approximately 64 hours to second drinks you did not want to have, but were too polite to decline.
30. People will ghost you for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
31. And you will ghost people just because they look like they have might have a weird mouth.
32. If you do go out on a date with the person that you think might have a weird mouth, you'll nickname them "Weird Mouth".
33. And on the date you won't be able to think about anything else.
34. Because even though "weird mouth" is funny and smart, you just can't get over their weird mouth.
35. And you'll hate yourself for it.
36. If someone wants to add you on Snapchat you will receive a picture of their penis wearing a cartoon hat.
37. They will not be The One.
38. Coffee dates are actually quite nice.
39. Because at the end of the day, you should probably want to shag them without beer goggles.
40. A good date always brings you renewed hope that it is possible to meet someone cool through something as a random as an app.
41. Until that good date suddenly doesn't want to see you anymore.
42. Then Tinder is a piece of shit.
43. People who say "let's say we met at a bar" are most definitely wankers.
44. Same goes for people who demand you message first.
45. Swiping should definitely count as exercise.
46. Because Tinder is exhausting.
47. So sometimes you have to delete it just to get your mind clear.
48. You know, for like a day.
49. Because it is possible to meet someone cool on Tinder, whatever it is you're seeking.
50. You just have to put yourself out there.
51. And lose your thumb in the process.