75 Thoughts Everyone Has When Hungover At Work
Just fire me already, I want to go home and die.
1. I will make it through this day I will make it through this day.
2. If I survived public transport I can survive eight hours of pretending to work.
3. Maybe if I keep a low profile no one will know I'm wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
4. And that I'm drinking Coke at 9am.
5. And that I smell of Jagerbombs.
6. And disappointing sex.
7. Clutching onto an egg McMuffin like it's your last bit of crack is probably a bit suspicious though.
8. Thank you McMuffin for bringing light into an otherwise dark and twisted world.
9. Not eating last night was a mistake.
10. A mistake among many other horrible mistakes.
11. Like telling Amy from accounts my dream about David Attenborough doing some very sexy ironing.
12. And how turned on I was by it.
13. Very turned on.
14. Why does everyone looks so productive?
15. Look at them, working.
16. LOSERS, ALL OF YOU.
17. I do NOT want to be here.
18. Oh god, John is asking me about a report already.
19. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME JOHN?
20. Can you not see I'm in no fit state to talk to you about fucking bar charts John?
21. I'm eating a double sausage and egg McMuffin and drinking a can of fucking Coke FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JOHN.
22. I think he's noticed I'm basically brain dead.
23. The drool was a nice touch.
24. Albeit completely involuntary.
25. I just want to go home.
26. Would anyone even notice me if I left?
27. I'm really not important here guys.
28. Just fire me.
29. I fuck everything up anyway.
30. I don't even know how to use the printer.
31. Maybe I'll force them to fire me.
32. I'll punch John in the face.
33. No, need money.
34. Money to keep up this shameless, hedonistic lifestyle.
35. I'm like Jordan fucking Belfort.
36. What is our CEO doing on this floor?
37. Nothing to see here Madam CEO, just me working on some very important slides.
38. Some very important slides that just say "slides" but in different colours.
39. Quite good really.
40. God, I don't want to do anything.
45. Turns out pretending to work is harder than actually working.
46. I'm just gonna go to the loo, if I'm lucky I'll be sick.
47. Or I'll have a poo.
48. The toilet is so warm.
49. I'll just close my eyes for a second.
50. Or a minute.
51. Maybe an hour.
52. SHIT HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE?
53. How is it only 11am?
54. This is the longest day in the history of man.
55. Someone save me.
56. I'm gonna take lunch early and have another nap in the supplies cupboard.
57. Wait who's in here?
58. Oh, just another desperate colleague filled with all-consuming shame.
59. Feel a bit better about myself now.
60. Boozy lunch at the pub is being discussed.
61. This could go two ways.
62. I could feel better, hair of the dog and all that.
63. Or, I could feel worse and be sick everywhere and have to go home.
64. Either way I win I guess.
65. This is probably the best decision I've made all week.
66. Well that was probably the worst decision I've made all week.
67. That, and letting David Attenborough undress me with his feet.
68. I'm going to stare at my screen and think about my life choices.
69. Thank god Friday is not even a real working day.
70. Can people not see the pain I am in?
71. Everyone's clocking off at 5 and fucking off to the pub.
71. Maybe I can slip out too as if I'm going with them.
73. Then run off home and question my entire existence.
74. Or I could just go to the pub and do it all again…
75. WAIT FOR ME JOHN!