1.
The best thing about working out and eating well is knowing that eventually I'll be dead and won't have to do this anymore
2.
[discovers something online] Wow, amazing!!! [two minutes later, seeing someone else discover same thing] yeah, no shit
3.
Mentioning your best friend in front of regular friends lets them feel the sting of inadequacy they deserve!
4.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
5.
6.
when someone is looking for something i help by saying "it's gotta be around here somewhere"
7.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.
8.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
9.
Autocorrect saved my job again
10.
*drinks 1 bottle of water* man i am so good at taking care of myself i mean wow
11.
1985: you will literally go blind if you are too close to the tv screen 2016: PUT EVERYTHING YOU DO ON A SCREEN REAL CLOSE TO YOUR FACE
12.
Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.
13.
Who the fuck is this asshole? Me- every time someone drives down my street.
14.
Before I buy anything I check my bank account like “Ah…uh huh, I definitely can’t afford this” and then I buy it anyway
15.
1995: [at blockbuster] yes, please call me when the movie I want is returned 2016: [netflix won't load] I've never endured such suffering
16.
I don't know why I'm anxious. I just constantly stare at a device that beams nightmares into my eyes.
17.
KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
18.
i'm great!! i'm good i'm doing good hahaha. i mean "well" haha! haha i'm doing well, not good! haha i'm not doing good! im not doing so good