1.
I'd like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me. 2yo: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 2yo: I don't know. *leaves
2.
Me: Get out of bed. 4-year-old: No! Me: Why do you fight me every single morning? 4: Because you never learn.
3.
4.
When I was a kid I had to say "yes, sir" and "no, sir." My son just threatened to call 911 because I'm making him eat a hotdog.
5.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret? Me: sure thing buddy 5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
6.
dad: "come on, you guys are LATE!!!!" 11yo: "you should have started YELLING at us earlier!"
7.
Son: Mom you look like you're 20 ... Me: Awwwww Son: ... thousand years old.
8.
10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
9.
6yo: I don't like this cookie, it's too big Me: *faints 6yo: And the chocolate chips are too big Me: *dies
10.
7yo: Why can't I have coffee? Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
11.
Me: We all make mistakes. 5: Even you? Me: Yep 5: Oh yeah! Like when you're trying to cook food that tastes good but then it doesn't?
12.
6YR OLD: does it hurt, daddy? ME: [with a tissue up my nose to stop the bleeding] yes 6: good...that'll teach you not to eat my ice cream
13.
Me: *tries to be a good mom *sets up craft time 3yo: *dumps out water *pees in paint cup *dips paintbrush in pee *tries to paint with piss
14.
The 7 yo's got a flair for the dramatic.
15.
Me: Pick up your toys 6-year-old: *picks up a toy and sets it back down* Me: I meant pick it up and put it away 6: I'm not a mind reader.
16.
17.
6: Wanna play school with us? Me: Sure, I could use a break from cleani- 6: Ok, you be the janitor.
18.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane) 5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT
19.
My cousin: [to my kids] omg you guys have grown so much! How old are you now? 6: What's your wifi password?