1. Swipe on a dating app while on the toilet, especially when you're doing a big poo.
2. And then think about how if something serious actually happens with someone you've liked, that the first time you saw them you were taking a fat shit.
3. Silently accuse everyone you’ve not matched with of having rubbish taste.
4. Swipe so hard and for so long you have to promise yourself “just 10 more” swipes.
5. But then continue for a solid 10 minutes anyway.
6. Audibly gasp when you swipe the wrong way because you may think you might have lost "The One".
7. Talk about how you love travelling on your profile when the last time you went on holiday was 6 months ago and it was to your nan's house in Scotland.
8. Complain about how conversations never go anywhere, but then ghost people mid-conversation because you cba.
9. Like someone you've seen before on an app who didn't like you back, hoping that this time they'll change their minds.
10. Avoid using apps on Friday nights because you want to look like you're out and busy even though you're at home alone in your pyjamas.
11. Use pictures that are from at least a good three years ago.
12. Conceal your phone screen while you're using a dating app in public.
13. Expand your mile radius to get more matches but be annoyed when you find out a match lives too far away from you.
14. Add a match to WhatsApp in the hopes that their picture is different to the ones they have on their dating profile.
15. Google a potential date with only useless bits of information like "Ben lawyer london", so you can try and find their Facebook profile.
16. Sign out of your Linkedin profile so you can look at theirs without them knowing.
17. Write and delete opening lines over and over again until you come up with "hi, how r u?".
18. Or use the same opening line to every one of your matches.
19. Swipe right on people from work just to see if they fancy you.
20. And get unreasonably annoyed when it isn't a match.
21. Like profiles that are a bit freaky just out of plain curiosity.
22. But then immediately block them as soon as they talk to you.
23. Take a screenshot of every one of your date's pictures and send them to your group chat.
24. Go through a date's profile exactly five minutes before you're due to see them because you've forgotten what they look like.
25. Exaggerate small details about your life to your date to impress them.
26. Like tell them about the time you lived in Argentina for four months, when it was actually three days.
27. Say "Oh yeah that sounds familiar" when your date mentions something that you've literally never heard of in your entire life.
28. Furiously text all of your friends as soon as your date goes to the toilet.
29. Even when no one is replying because you don't want to look like an idle loser when your date comes back.
30. Stay for several drinks with a date you're not sure about in the hopes you'll fancy them if you're a bit drunk.
31. Say "Yes" to the suggestion of another date even though you have no intention of ever seeing them again.
32. Lie about how many apps you're actually on, even though you've mentioned Tinder on a date with someone you've met on Bumble.
33. Lie about how many dates you've been on and how long you've been single.
34. Get annoyed when a date you didn't even like doesn't get in contact with you again.
35. And contact them even though you didn't even like them because your ego is feeling bruised.
36. Purposely not text a date you actually like just to see if they text you first, because that's a sign they really like you.
37. Work out the exact amount of time you have to wait before you can respond to your date's text.
38. Delete all of your dating apps because they're too much hassle.
39. Realise you've got no other option and immediately re-download them all.