1.
[1987] Me: Tell me my future. Psychic: You'll have a phone that costs $800. M: So I'm rich? P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
2.
20s: Rage Against The Machine 30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
3.
ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
4.
My workout schedule: Age 20: Ran every day. Age 25: Exercised once a week. Age 31: Pulled a muscle walking to the fridge.
5.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
6.
[at a party] Me: *over the music* DO YOU HAVE A RECYCLING BIN?
7.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers] WIFE: you could just- ME: I'm not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
8.
13: When will I know I'm an adult? Me: When you have a favorite spatula.
9.
Them: You need to listen to your body more. Body: You're old. And you want pizza.
10.
SON: Dad, how did you spend your 30's? ME: Well *puts arm around son* I went on a website where we all hated each other & told awful jokes.
11.
12.
Me after saying no to mimosas at brunch once
13.
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn't take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me
14.
Me in my 20's: *dresses like I'm on the catwalk* Me in my 30's: *dresses like I walk cats*
15.
[first glass of wine] mmm nice. let's listen to jazz [second glass of wine] *struggling to remove my sweatshirt* we should fuck on the roof
16.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
17.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world. Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
18.
Swear to god I think I spend half my life walking from one end of this house to the other because I forget shit.
19.
When you finally accept who you really are.