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19 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh Even If You're Not Married

"My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn't hear me."

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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife* Hello Karen. Maybe you'd like to tell me who used all my essential oils


[wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then


Wife: *points to toddler* She can't wear that. Me: Why? Wife: You dressed her in 3 different shades of purple Me: Too many or not enough?



Wife: I'm going to wine down Me: You mean wind down Wife: No


WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree


where did you get them pants? [wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you're not going as me for halloween again are you?


My wife found a spider in the shower. Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.



ME: I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery WIFE: ok you know you won't be able to shoot lasers out of your eyes though ME: fuck that then


[watching a movie] *guy rips girls shirt* wife: That's so hot [later] me *rips her shirt* wife: Did you just rip my fucking shirt?


[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?


toddler *puts shoe on* wife: Is there anything he can't do? me: Buy beer wife me: Open child proof lids wife: That's enough me: Math



My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn't hear me.


[leaving for work] *gives wife a quick kiss* *spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*


My husband's sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I'm trying to watch the last 20 minutes.


ME: I’ve looked everywhere for my keys WIFE: Everywhere? M: Yes W: *opens drawer, pulls out keys* M: That drawer was NOT there 2 minutes ago



[in the car & my wife turns up the radio] Wife: it's our song Son: you & dad made a song? Me: no, we listen to this song when we fuck


ME: I had salmon for lunch WIFE: the L is silent, idiot ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch


wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well


wife: Do that thing I like me *uses a coaster*