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19 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh Even If You're Not Married

"My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn't hear me."

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1.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife* Hello Karen. Maybe you'd like to tell me who used all my essential oils

2.

[wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then

3.

Wife: *points to toddler* She can't wear that. Me: Why? Wife: You dressed her in 3 different shades of purple Me: Too many or not enough?

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4.

Wife: I'm going to wine down Me: You mean wind down Wife: No

5.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

6.

where did you get them pants? [wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you're not going as me for halloween again are you?

7.

My wife found a spider in the shower. Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.

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8.

ME: I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery WIFE: ok you know you won't be able to shoot lasers out of your eyes though ME: fuck that then

9.

[watching a movie] *guy rips girls shirt* wife: That's so hot [later] me *rips her shirt* wife: Did you just rip my fucking shirt?

10.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?

11.

toddler *puts shoe on* wife: Is there anything he can't do? me: Buy beer wife me: Open child proof lids wife: That's enough me: Math

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12.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn't hear me.

13.

[leaving for work] *gives wife a quick kiss* *spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*

14.

My husband's sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I'm trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

15.

ME: I’ve looked everywhere for my keys WIFE: Everywhere? M: Yes W: *opens drawer, pulls out keys* M: That drawer was NOT there 2 minutes ago

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16.

[in the car & my wife turns up the radio] Wife: it's our song Son: you & dad made a song? Me: no, we listen to this song when we fuck

17.

ME: I had salmon for lunch WIFE: the L is silent, idiot ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

18.

wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well

19.

wife: Do that thing I like me *uses a coaster*