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19 Tweets That Will Make You Piss Yourself Laughing Even If You Don't Have Kids

"As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids."

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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.


SON: you're pretty ME: aww SON: even when you just waked up you're so pretty ME: awww SON: can i have Doritos for lunch ME: there it is


My daughter was chasing my son around with a lightsaber and got a little too into it.....


Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35


3-year-old: You got your hair cut. Me: Do you like it? 3: *walks away*


Me: Let's go to the store. 5 yo: Why? M: For food. 5: Why? M: So we can eat. 5: Why? M: To stay alive. 5: Why? M: I have no idea.


TEXTING 101 ME: Hi College son: ME: How are you? CS: ME: Are you still alive? CS: ... CS: CS: ME: I can cut off your phone CS: Hi Ma love u


My cousin: [to my kids] omg you guys have grown so much! How old are you now? 6: What's your wifi password?


Roses are red, Violets are blue, Where in the fuck Is your other shoe?


So my friend got her phone taken away and her dad slid this under her door


I can't wait until my son is a cool teen who thinks I'm super embarrassing so I can remind him that he used to beg to watch me poop


LUKE: daddy, what's my name from? ME: it's from the bible CHEWBACCA: and mine? ME: umm [sweating] also the bible


As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.


My Kid: Are dinosaurs real? Me: yes but they died Kid: why did you kill them? M: I didn't! Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants


I'd like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me. 2yo: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 2yo: I don't know. *leaves


My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.


1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store


Me to child: Don't think everybody's pregnant. Some people just look that way Child to lady: Are you pregnant or do you just look that way?


my son swims like he's angry at water