Buzz·Posted on 21 Jul 201719 Tweets That Will Make You Piss Yourself Laughing Even If You Don't Have Kids"As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids."by Remee PatelBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again. 11:41 PM - 26 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Valerie @ValeeGrrl SON: you're pretty ME: aww SON: even when you just waked up you're so pretty ME: awww SON: can i have Doritos for lunch ME: there it is 12:18 PM - 16 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Super Slayin Mom👻 @MommaSmarsh My daughter was chasing my son around with a lightsaber and got a little too into it..... 12:50 AM - 06 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Lurkin' Mom @LurkAtHomeMom Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35 01:05 PM - 05 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: You got your hair cut. Me: Do you like it? 3: *walks away* 02:23 PM - 05 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Jackie Bouvier @jackiembouvier Me: Let's go to the store. 5 yo: Why? M: For food. 5: Why? M: So we can eat. 5: Why? M: To stay alive. 5: Why? M: I have no idea. 06:21 PM - 19 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Housewife of Hell @HousewifeOfHell TEXTING 101 ME: Hi College son: ME: How are you? CS: ME: Are you still alive? CS: ... CS: CS: ME: I can cut off your phone CS: Hi Ma love u 12:10 AM - 14 Feb 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Anna Grace @graceful_asfuck My cousin: [to my kids] omg you guys have grown so much! How old are you now? 6: What's your wifi password? 01:11 AM - 06 Jul 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass Roses are red, Violets are blue, Where in the fuck Is your other shoe? 12:07 PM - 04 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. bailee🥀 @bailee_xox So my friend got her phone taken away and her dad slid this under her door 05:06 PM - 02 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Emily McCombs @msemilymccombs I can't wait until my son is a cool teen who thinks I'm super embarrassing so I can remind him that he used to beg to watch me poop 04:34 PM - 03 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott LUKE: daddy, what's my name from? ME: it's from the bible CHEWBACCA: and mine? ME: umm [sweating] also the bible 09:49 PM - 03 Nov 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. eric @ericsshadow As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids. 07:36 PM - 10 Sep 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Tragic Ally @TragicAllyHere My Kid: Are dinosaurs real? Me: yes but they died Kid: why did you kill them? M: I didn't! Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants 03:50 PM - 18 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Sarah del Rio @establish1975 I'd like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me. 2yo: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 2yo: I don't know. *leaves 04:10 PM - 09 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Elizabeth @Elizasoul80 My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know. 12:19 AM - 01 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Sweatpants Cher @House_Feminist 1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store 07:40 PM - 31 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Christine Owen @joymoll Me to child: Don't think everybody's pregnant. Some people just look that way Child to lady: Are you pregnant or do you just look that way? 08:23 PM - 14 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka my son swims like he's angry at water 08:39 PM - 08 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite