1.
9am: im so tired 12pm: im so tired 3pm: im so tired 6pm: im so tired 9pm: [someone] why dont u just go to bed now? me: lol what like a loser
2.
Me: no more shots man I'm fucked up Me to me: didn't know you was a bitch
3.
At least the tears I'm crying about paying $14 for this drink are landing in said drink so it will last longer.
4.
my role models are the type of people who eat pieces of bread in their beds late at night
5.
so done with porn *watches porn*
6.
when someone asks how ur feelin
7.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
8.
I'm doing life just like everyone else, 1 screw up after another and a trash can full of empty wine bottles
9.
me, without money: money is the root of all evil. the things u own end up owning u me, with money: ya can i get 20 mcchickens
10.
Stages of dieting 1. Read about new diet 2. Spend $300 on vegetables 3. Commit publicly to diet on FB 4. Dive head first into plate of bacon
11.
The stages of eating pizza 1) I ate way too much 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die 4) Just 3 more slices
12.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
13.
*Wipes phone on boob* -Blocks 5 people -Unfollows 3 -Sends 2 randoms nudes -Orders a pizza -Texts 'I miss you' to the ex
14.
Boss: mike Boss: Mike Boss: Mike Ginn Me: whaaa sorry was just... doing an email
15.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents] "Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
16.
I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.
17.
sure all my friends are getting married and starting families but at least i'm slowly dying inside
18.
remembering a responsibility u forgot about