1.
why does anyone bother with sex when you can mow the lawn and then stand with your hands on your hips admiring the lawn
2.
men will literally nut 45 seconds into sex and have the audacity to ask if you came. yeah i came to the wrong house
3.
all dudes wanna do is have sex with you 1 time and then like your IG posts forever
4.
[in the car & my wife turns up the radio] Wife: it's our song Son: you & dad made a song? Me: no, we listen to this song when we fuck
5.
[first glass of wine] mmm nice. let's listen to jazz [second glass of wine] *struggling to remove my sweatshirt* we should fuck on the roof
6.
I dead ass ate pineapples for a month and this boy told me my pussy tasted like cheetos sooo y'all lying out here
7.
Y'all can keep your Netflix & Chill, I'm trying to
8.
[watching a movie] *guy rips girls shirt* wife: That's so hot [later] me *rips her shirt* wife: Did you just rip my fucking shirt?
9.
[during sex] i can put my hat on backwards if you wanna kiss
10.
Sex is like a Facebook event invite because I say I'm coming, but I never actually do.
11.
Had to get Apple Music after I was having sex listening to pandora, song changed & mid stroke all I heard was: Oh O… https://t.co/GXZTNBAofh
12.
Yeah sex is cool but have you ever closed 15 tabs after finishing a project
13.
My favorite festive sex position is "the ornament"; its when someone barely touches me and I fall and emotionally shatter into 100 pieces
14.
yeah sex is cool but have you tried washing your dishes right after you use them so they never pile up in the sink???
15.
The most consistent thing in my life over the past 8 years x
16.
I taught a sex ed workshop today and one of the activities consists of students creating responses to condom avoida… https://t.co/bmi1l5M5GO
17.
In my 6th grade science class a girl read "orgasm" instead of "organism" and the class laughed & she was embarrasse… https://t.co/I0cvmVpN0c
18.
imagine having sex and he says "say my name baby" but his name is gilbert