Psychologists Are Sharing Everyday Habits That Can Help You Be Kinder To Yourself Once And For All

Childhood can play a big role in how we treat ourselves as adults.

If you're going to therapy (or you're an active user in the Instagram and TikTok mental health community), you might've heard a variation of this phrase: "Be kind to yourself."

NBC / Via Giphy

Or, if you're like me, your therapist tells you this at least once every session. (It's fine — I'm fine.)

The thing is, no matter how often your therapist or other people tell you this, it can be hard to follow through or even know how to "be kind to yourself" in the first place.

HBO / Via YouTube

Yes, your therapist or other mental health professionals on social media might've provided some context on what this means, but implementing it into your everyday life is easier said than done — especially if you have a history of doing the complete opposite (don't worry, we all do this). 

And since we've been through a lot these past two years, this phrase has been coming up more and more in the mental health community. So to better understand how exactly you can be kind to yourself, what it means not to be, and how you can actually implement this practice into your everyday life, I connected with a few mental health experts.

The experts are:

• Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and author of Joy From Fear.

• Dr. Kim Chronister, clinical psychologist.

• Jaynee Golden, LCSW, CADC-I, a psychotherapist specializing in teens and adults with Frame Therapy.

What exactly does it mean to "be kind to yourself”?

NBC / Via Giphy

According to Dr. Manly, being kind to yourself involves treating yourself with love, empathy, and respect. "When we're kind to ourselves, we let go of internal and external pressures in favor of listening to the true needs of our body, mind, and spirit," she explained to BuzzFeed.

Dr. Chronister adds: "It's typically apparent that someone is being kind to themselves when they're describing a situation in which they're giving themselves the benefit of the doubt, when they're not being critical as they have been historically, or when they're pointing out what they're doing that is working or what they do like about themselves."

Essentially, recall all the times you stopped your friend(s) from speaking negatively about themselves when they were having a really hard time — now say these same words toward yourself — and bam, that's what it means to be kind to yourself. 

But why is it so hard for some people to be kind to themselves?

Netflix / Via Giphy

First, it's important to recognize that engaging in positive self-talk is not easy — so it makes sense why it might be difficult to practice being kind to yourself. Dr. Manly explained that this could be especially true for people who grew up in difficult environments. 

"From early childhood forward, many people learn to devalue or ignore their own needs in favor of achieving goals and pleasing others," she explained. "As well, many people are raised in rigid environments where love is conditional and constant criticism is the norm — so when patterns such as these take hold early on in life, they tend to manifest in adulthood through a lack of self-kindness."

However, on the other side of the coin, Golden adds that some people might assume that they're already being kind to themselves, when in reality, they could actually be engaging in quick self-care fixes, such as buying themselves something materialistic or treating themselves to a cocktail (which is nice too). 

While these things might feel like acts of self-kindness, the real way to know if you're showing compassion toward yourself is by analyzing the way you speak to yourself (i.e., are you critical or do you show yourself grace during difficult times?)

How do you know if you're not being kind to yourself?

Nickelodeon / Via Giphy

Since Golden says some people might assume they're already being kind to themselves, here are a few key ways you can check in to see if you might actually be more critical of yourself than you realize — directly from our mental health experts:

• "They may not prioritize or even pay attention to their own needs or wants. They may have too loose or rigid boundaries with people in their lives," said Golden.

• "They tend to be very perfectionistic, highly competitive, or immensely self-critical. For this group, the thought of being kind to the self is considered a weakness rather than a strength," said Dr. Manly.

• "Their inner dialogue might be one of negativity and self-doubt," said Golden.

• "In other cases, a lack of self-kindness can manifest from disregarding one’s own needs for self-care. This can result in poor mental, emotional, and physical health," said Dr. Manly.

• "[They could] compare themselves to others, not give themselves the benefit of the doubt, or choose not to take risks because they doubt themselves and their abilities," said Golden. 

• "They're very focused on being 'happy' or 'positive' all of the time. When we don’t make space for all of our emotions — which include sadness, anger, fear, and joy — we're being unkind to ourselves by disregarding our true emotional needs," said Dr. Manly.

While there are a lot of reasons why this negative inner dialogue may occur, Golden emphasized that one of the main reasons could be that some people might feel they're undeserving of being kind to themselves (which, by the way, you deserve kindness, especially from yourself!). 

"Some people may feel so badly about themselves that they don't feel entitled to or deserving of their or anyone else's kindness," she explained. "They might think that doing something that benefits them and not others is ‘selfish.'" 

So how can you be kind to yourself?

Rosanna Pansino / Via Giphy

The good news is there are so many ways you can show kindness to yourself. To help simplify the process, the mental health experts provided a list of how you can begin to show up for yourself below. 

However, Dr. Chronister wants to preface that, "It can be very challenging to simply tell yourself to be kind to yourself without giving yourself time and practice to habituate to it." So while the below tips are there to guide you through this new process, remember that this change won't happen overnight, and it's completely OK if you need more time to know exactly how you can show kindness and compassion toward yourself — and this is especially true if you believe you may be depressed. 

According to Dr. Chronister, "Many people who are depressed have a very hard time accepting compliments from others and themselves." 

So just remember to take one step at a time, and don't beat yourself up if things don't go well right off the bat. 

1. Engage in mindfulness.

Peacock / Via Giphy

If you're not 100% sure of what mindfulness is, it's usually defined as the act of being fully present in the moment without judgment. According to the American Psychological Association, the benefits are wildly good, from stress reduction to improve focus to less emotional reactivity. But how does mindfulness correlate with being kind to yourself? Dr. Manly said, "It allows us to slow down and tune into what we need on mental, emotional, and physical levels."

So rather than allowing your mind to ruminate on how you made a mistake at work or criticize yourself to the point of exhaustion, you can take a step back and engage in a grounding practice (i.e., meditating or taking a walk outside) to recalibrate your brain into a more neutral/positive state. 

2. Set healthy boundaries.

POP TV / Via Giphy

If there's one thing everyone should have more of, it is healthy boundaries. Most of the time, people will disregard their own so they can give all their time and energy to the other person — and while this is an incredibly selfless act, in the long run, you may forget to show your own self the kindness you deserve. 

When you set healthy boundaries — either with yourself and/or others — Dr. Manly says, "This allows you to honor our own personal preferences and needs."

So how exactly can you examine if your boundaries are healthy? Golden suggests asking yourself the questions below:

• Are you allowing people to mistreat you? 

• Are you overextending yourself in your relationships? 

• Are you giving more than you’re receiving? 

If you answer yes to a lot of these, then she says you should adjust accordingly. "Relationships = reciprocal," she explained. 

3. Set up a good self-care routine.

HBO / Via Giphy

While the word "self-care" has become a pretty general catch-all for doing something nice for yourself, healthy self-care practices — such as taking mental health days, setting aside time for exercise, and enjoying connective time with loved ones — can all be incredible acts of self-kindness, explained Dr. Manly.

But while these are all one-off ways you can show kindness to yourself, Dr. Chronister provided an everyday self-care routine you can follow that will help you practice more self-kindness. 

"I like to recommend that clients write their intentions for their day right when they wake up and then use that same notepad or journal at night to jot down how they felt about their day and the effort that was made to honor the morning intention," said Dr. Chronister. 

"Intentions and reflections are regularly used in rehabs for clients to start gaining more insight into how their thoughts shape their behaviors the rest of the day, and it helps keep them accountable on a daily basis. Plus, reward, even after a small shift that is made in the routine, is very important, too, since what gets rewarded gets repeated."

4. Objectively view your inner critic.

NBC / Via Giphy

When your inner critic gets loud, it can be really hard not to listen to what it "believes" you need to hear — but this is one of the most important times you need to be kind to yourself. Golden explained that one of the ways you can examine your inner critic is by "extending the same grace, compassion, and patience that you would to a friend or someone you love." 

"Remind yourself that you're doing the best that you can with the tools and information you have — you aren’t always going to get it right, and that’s OK," Golden said. 

However, if the above feels a little too hard to do right off the bat, no pressure. Dr. Manly says you can just notice the negative thoughts first (since they can be hard to detect in the beginning), and then you can take a step back from the voice to eventually let it go. 

It's all about taking baby steps, so you can begin to get rid of that inner critic or, at least, acknowledge it, so it doesn't affect you as much. 

5. Remind yourself that you're valuable, worthy, and loved.

Netflix / Via Giphy

If you've ever mentally beaten yourself up after making a mistake, you may be a perfectionist — and that's OK! However, Dr. Manly said that in those moments of feeling like you're not valuable, it's important to embrace your flaws and imperfections. 

"Allowing yourself to be imperfect and have a human experience is what makes you human, " adds Golden. "Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love. Would you say the things you say to yourself to someone you love? Why are you exempt from kindness, compassion, and care?"

One of the things you may not even realize you're doing as a perfectionist is "should-ing" yourself — aka, "I should have done this," or, "I shouldn't have done that." Golden wants you to stop doing this ASAP.  

"It’s OK if your life doesn’t look like everyone else’s; you get to make and live by your own rules (so long as you’re not hurting others or yourself)," she said. "What works for someone else doesn’t have to work for you, and vice versa. Stop comparing your experience."

Have you tried being kind to yourself more often lately? If so, what do you do, and have you noticed a difference in your mental health? Let us know in the comments below.