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This Is The Least Romantic Valentine's Day Gift You Can Possibly Give

Edible Arrangements say, "I don't even care enough to carve pineapple hearts for you with my own two hands."

Guess which veteran purveyor of meticulously carved fruit shapes is ready and waiting to help you woo your valentine? Yes, it's Edible Arrangements!

An Edible Arrangement says, "I feel like you might sleep with me if I present you with a vast number of small pineapple hearts."

"These eerily firm grapes symbolize my unswerving, everlasting love for you."

"You could stand to lose a few pounds, so I got you fake cupcakes made of pineapple instead of real cupcakes."

"And then I put them in a container that looks like a fake cake, to remind you that I care about you and don't want your upper arms to jiggle more than they absolutely have to."

"Nature didn't make strawberries crunchy enough. YOU are special. YOU deserve to have them coated in awkward sprinkles."

"I think you might be The One, but I have trouble articulating things with words. So I decided to say it with melon kebabs."

Because fruit that resembles a bouquet of microphones gets everyone hot and bothered.

And nothing sets the mood like the adoring gaze of a small creepy white bear.

With a FREE Balloon Bundle™? EVEN MORE SEDUCTIVE.

Listen, lovers: You can do better.

You can give real chocolates.

You can bake real cupcakes.

Or, if you're not feeling ambitious, just buy some cookies and make your main hang a sundae.

Because love just doesn't look like this: