Food

Do You Eat Your Age?

Research suggests that at least 65% of functional adults secretly have the eating habits of a stoned teenager. Are you the exception to the rule?

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  1. Don’t care as long as it comes on a bagel.
    I'm gonna have to ask my hangover.
    Oatmeal with a banana.
    Coffee = breakfast.
    A smoothie, the more kale the better.
    Cereal.
  2. It's called Two Buck Chuck.
    Wine is a last resort. Vodka works better.
    I'm not shelling out more than $10.
    $15 if it's for me, $10 if it's for a party.
    $15 if it's for me, $20 if it's for a party.
    $25 or more, ain't no thing.
  3. Only complaint is how much room it's constantly taking up in my fridge.
    ICK. GROSS. STOP.
    Where did it come from? What happened to spinach?
    Depends. Can you smoke it?
    Good, because I know it's good for me.
    I love it deeply. I've never felt this way about a leaf before.
  4. Brush it off and eat it.
    Throw it out.
    Feel deeply sad about it.
    Eat it as is. Dirt is healthy.
    Leave it for someone else to deal with.
    Whistle for your dog to come eat it.
  5. Alert the authorities.
    Politely decline because you're trying to eat healthy.
    Politely decline because you have dinner plans.
    Establish their motives, then eat it.
    Eat first, ask questions later.
    PIZZA?!?!!?? YAAAAAAASSSS.
  6. An earthy glass of red or a white with strong minerality.
    Officer, I swear someone else filled my Big Gulp with vodka.
    Bourbon. Bourbon for life.
    SHOTS ON ME, EVERYONE.
    Whatever the cheapest beer is.
    A nice cocktail (but not TOO nice, I have a budget).
  7. Well, I can always chew a TUMs.
    Maybe just one bite.
    If it's late and I'm drunk, sure.
    I have a local favorite.
    GIVE IT TO ME.
    Not so sure about that. What exactly is on it?
  8. Undiscovered, amazing, and stay that way.
    The cheaper the better.
    As long as they have pizza or pasta, I'm happy.
    Cool enough to Instagram-brag about.
    Take reservations and be quiet enough that I can actually hear what you're saying.
    Preferably not more than 5 blocks from my home.
  9. Today.
    A few days ago.
    Last week.
    Last month.
    Last year?
    I have no idea.
  10. Meh. I'd rather have real food.
    Awesome for about 15 minutes, then slightly ill.
    Safe. Loved. Deeply happy.
    Prettay, prettay good.
    REALLY FUCKING GREAT.
    A hell of a lot better than the sucker who's eating them.
  11. Extremely over it. Was never into it.
    Cro-what?
    OoooOOoooh, gimme, I want.
    I'll eat six of them if you bring them to me.
    Meh?
    I've never loved a pastry this way before.
  12. I make blueberry pancakes and no one appreciates it.
    Bottomless mimosas mandatory.
    I wake up and eat the first thing that comes near my face.
    Some combination of eggs, avocados, and toast.
    A beautiful moment between me and my favorite bagel shop.
    Fine for people who don't appreciate sleep enough.

Do You Eat Your Age?

You got: You eat like a small child!

Aww, is wittle baby cwying? Did wittle baby want the cwusts cut off his sandwich? Well, TOUGH NUGGETS. Crusts are good for your self-esteem, and vegetables build character. Go on, live a little! Put hot sauce on your next burrito. There's a big, delicious world out there waiting for you.

You eat like a small child!
Fox
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You got: You eat like a #teen!

The size of a slice of pizza is infinitely more important to you than what's actually on it. You'll eat basically anything as long as you can hold it in one hand while you use the other hand to send cool teen Snapchats to all your cool teen friends.

You eat like a #teen!
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You got: You eat like an early 20-something!

You're out to prove that you CAN eat like a real, fancy grownup. You'll spend at least 3 minutes browsing the wine store before you buy the second cheapest bottle. And you're totally going to invite your friends over for a dinner party...some time.

You eat like an early 20-something!
HBO
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You got: You eat like a late 20-something!

You know what's up. You walk past idiots lined up on the sidewalk, waiting for 2 hours to eat a pastry they saw on the internet, and you laugh and laugh and laugh. And then you order Seamless on the way home.

You eat like a late 20-something!
Fox
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You got: You eat like a 30-something!

You know how to make adult choices, and although your stomach is no longer willing to put up with 3am pizza on a regular basis, you've (started to) come to terms with that. Good for you! It's only gonna get less fun from here on out.

You eat like a 30-something!
Fox
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You got: You eat like a mature adult!

You've got this food stuff down pat. You're an example to everyone around you. You're probably making organic nut milk in your Vitamix blender as we speak, smiling and thinking about all the compound interest accumulating in your 401K.

You eat like a mature adult!
ITV
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