Cauliflower, there's nothing wrong with you. You're a versatile, respectable vegetable that deserves more credit than you get. And honestly, you even make a fine, cheesy gluten-free pizza crust. But the day you darkened pizza's door was the beginning of a slow, certain descent into madness. Things have gotten out of hand, and you are to blame.

This one probably could have flown under the radar because polenta is nice and never did anyone any harm except for the tofu smothered all over it, which, come on. Insult, injury, etcetera.

If it's Passover, I guess there are worse ways to cope. If it's not, no excuse.

There are plenty of acceptable venues for quinoa, but this ain't one of them.

PortabellNO THANK YOU.

If you want to eat shredded, flattened squash, own it. If you want to eat real pizza, call me.

This is for a dog, right?

What kind of human would take something good and important, like potatoes, and press them into servitude toward these abominable ends?

Listen, you don't get extra points just because you used THREE weird things.

Did you miss the day in class where they explained the difference between "pizza" and "salad'?

No.

If you want a burger, order a burger. You don't mess with the crust, man!

LOL that's literally just cheese and stuff in a pan!

If it were real spaghetti, maybe exceptions could be made. But nope.

OK, everyone, grab a lil paddle and let's steer this canoe right down the garbage disposal.

If it didn't work for eggplant...

Heaven forfend they discover yet MORE root vegetables that can be smooshed into disc format.

GET OUT.

Not really sure what to say here, too busy SMDH.

Keep the meat on TOP of the pizza, please.

Instructions: Eat pepperoni and cheese. Discard inedible squash husk.

Call it "breakfast flat-mush" and then we'll talk.

Should I tell you more about this, like how it's not even normal kale? It's made with kale CHIPS?

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DOES THIS LOOK LIKE PIZZA TO YOU

I HAVE HAD IT

WITH THIS MOTHAF*CKIN CHEESE

ON THIS MOTHAF*CKIN PLANTAIN