26. Cauliflower Crust "Pizza"
Cauliflower, there's nothing wrong with you. You're a versatile, respectable vegetable that deserves more credit than you get. And honestly, you even make a fine, cheesy gluten-free pizza crust. But the day you darkened pizza's door was the beginning of a slow, certain descent into madness. Things have gotten out of hand, and you are to blame.
25. Polenta Crust "Pizza"
This one probably could have flown under the radar because polenta is nice and never did anyone any harm except for the tofu smothered all over it, which, come on. Insult, injury, etcetera.
24. Matzoh "Pizza"
If it's Passover, I guess there are worse ways to cope. If it's not, no excuse.
23. Quinoa Crust "Pizza"
There are plenty of acceptable venues for quinoa, but this ain't one of them.
22. Portobello Mushroom "Pizza"
PortabellNO THANK YOU.
21. Zucchini Crust "Pizza"
If you want to eat shredded, flattened squash, own it. If you want to eat real pizza, call me.
20. Low-Carb Flax Crust "Pizza"
This is for a dog, right?
19. Shredded Potato Crust "Pizza"
What kind of human would take something good and important, like potatoes, and press them into servitude toward these abominable ends?
18. Cauliflower, Carrot, *and* Kale Crust "Pizza"
Listen, you don't get extra points just because you used THREE weird things.
17. Broccoli Crust "Pizza"
Did you miss the day in class where they explained the difference between "pizza" and "salad'?
16. Eggplant "Pizza"
15. Ground Beef Crust "Pizza"
If you want a burger, order a burger. You don't mess with the crust, man!
14. Crustless "Pizza"
LOL that's literally just cheese and stuff in a pan!
13. Spaghetti Squash Crust "Pizza"
If it were real spaghetti, maybe exceptions could be made. But nope.
12. "Pizza" Zucchini Boats
OK, everyone, grab a lil paddle and let's steer this canoe right down the garbage disposal.
11. Grilled Zucchini "Pizza"
If it didn't work for eggplant...
10. Carrot Crust "Pizza"
Heaven forfend they discover yet MORE root vegetables that can be smooshed into disc format.
9. Butternut Squash "Pizza"
GET OUT.
8. Wild Rice Crust "Pizza"
Not really sure what to say here, too busy SMDH.
7. Ground Pork Crust "Pizza"
Keep the meat on TOP of the pizza, please.
6. Spaghetti Squash "Pizza"
Instructions: Eat pepperoni and cheese. Discard inedible squash husk.
5. Sweet Potato and Banana "Pizza" On Almond and Wheat Germ Crust
Call it "breakfast flat-mush" and then we'll talk.
4. Kale Crust "Pizza"
Should I tell you more about this, like how it's not even normal kale? It's made with kale CHIPS?
3. Tempeh "Pizza Chips"
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2. Tiny Tofu "Pizzas"
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE PIZZA TO YOU
1. Plantain "Pizza"
I HAVE HAD IT
WITH THIS MOTHAF*CKIN CHEESE
ON THIS MOTHAF*CKIN PLANTAIN
