1. Stuff it with cupcakes.
2. Or with Cheez-Its.
3. Or with Twinkies.
4. Fry it the wrong way.
5. Brine it in Coolattas and stuff it with Munchkins.
6. Turn it into a cake.
7. Microwave it.
8. Give it a bikini tan.
9. Or lemon boobs.
Okay, so what the hell AM I supposed to do with it?
DO: Buy the right kind of turkey.