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9 Unforgivable Things You Should Never Do To A Turkey

I shouldn't even be showing you these photos.

1. Stuff it with cupcakes.

2. Or with Cheez-Its.

3. Or with Twinkies.

4. Fry it the wrong way.

5. Brine it in Coolattas and stuff it with Munchkins.

6. Turn it into a cake.

7. Microwave it.

8. Give it a bikini tan.

9. Or lemon boobs.

Okay, so what the hell AM I supposed to do with it?

DO: Buy the right kind of turkey.

DO: Defrost your turkey the right way.

DO: Make it into the Best Turducken Ever.