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Housing Lizzie McGuire Characters

Because we all know who the Slytherin is.

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So, it’s a pretty big prerogative for us to sort the characters of everyone’s favorite tween-troubles sitcom of the...okay, all right we’re cheating a little. This one’s early 2000s. EVERYTHING YOU EVER BELIEVED ABOUT US IS A LIE.

Lizzie

Lizzie McGuire, the show’s namesake. (Wouldn’t be weird if there was a show called “Lizzie McGuire” and there wasn’t a character called Lizzie McGuire? Well, perhaps not any post-modern than a show called “Pete and Pete” about two brothers named “Pete”. Or well… pretty much anything Nickelodeon was airing in the early 90s.) Like so many tweenager-show protagonists before and after her, Lizzie’s defining attribute was her utter lack of any other kind of personality trait. So, I think that makes her part of Helga Hufflepuff’s “rest” she said she’d take at that Hogwarts’ founders’ powwow before opening

In my head, I give Lizzie two nicknames: White Privilege and Weird Backpack. The backpack part comes because her backpacks are always ridiculous (seriously, who HAS that many backpacks?!) and the White Privilege part basically comes because she could afford such an absurd number of ugly/”cool” backpacks. Come to think of it, I don’t think a show more centered on White Girl Problems has ever existed, and this includes the short-lived Clueless TV series.

When sorting Lizzie at Hogwarts, one must consider that she is often a mouthpiece for whatever DIsney thought was “hip” or “in” for what kids should believe. For instance, she once takes this epic stance on anti-bullying that’s never mentioned once again and in the next episode is basically ignored. If Lizzie were really a Gryffindor, she might have cared more about things like honor and/or friendship. Instead she cared about things like shampoo and eating, both of which appeared a legitimate challenge for her. For all of these reasons, she’s a Hufflepuff for sure.

Gordo

I went back and forth on good ol’ Gordo. He gave me kind of “boy Hermione” vibes, but while he wasn’t afraid to stand apart from the crowd he didn’t exactly go out of his way to engage in heroics either. Being the “brain” of the group, he would occasionally try and advice Lizzie and Miranda about how what they were about to do was a terrible idea, but when he realized that was basically a waste of energy most of the time and resigned to smarmily commenting on said dumb ideas after the fact. Loved Gordo, probably my fave. Calling Ravenclaw on this one.

Lizzie was Gordo’s longtime lurrrrrve, but I feel like this is at least 50% because Miranda wasn’t hot enough. To me, that says that he isn’t terribly ambitious and is more concerned with doing well in school than he is dealing with squibbles over relatively meaningless shit like buying a bra at the mall. Not that anyone could blame him. Damn, how did he NOT go insane during the course of the show? I suppose that’s neither here nor there.

Miranda

If I were looking at the on the surface, I would say that Disney completely wasted an opportunity to create a positive Hispanic role model with this character. However, knowing Disney’s evil ways as I do, I see Miranda as Mexican-American character with awesome potential, but severely lacking in the one thing that would make her unique: ANY SEMBLANCE OF CULTURAL BACKGROUND WHATSOEVER. Miranda barely spoke Spanish and did not appear to retain even a vague connection to her heritage. So, basically, the ONE THING that could have been interesting about Miranda was taken away. Because, let’s be real, there’s very little that’s different or even vaguely intriguing about her.

Hell, I’d might as well nickname Miranda “White Privilege” too, except I already gave the her nickname “Junior Slayer Fail” from the 7th season of Buffy. Due to lack of anything interesting, I’ll stick Miranda in Hufflepuff. What a waste!

I remember that Miranda was a lot like Lizzie, except she had a very real “bitch” streak. And possibly liked art? I guess she could be a Hufflepuff who puts on a lot of bravado. I don’t even remember a lot of her character arcs, which just goes to show how invested I was in her back in my prime viewing days.

Matt

So, ever notice how Disney channel was super-into the “conniving little brother” trope? (See also: Louis from Even Stevens, a.k.a. the only good thing Shia LeBeouf ever did, imho. And also the twins in Kim Possible).

I’m not saying that I, you know, own the Lizzie McGuire movie DVD or still have “Why Not?” on my iPod, but if I did either of those embarrassing things, I’d probably concur that Matt’s role continues to be unclear. Throughout the whole series and that movie-that-I-definitely-didn’t-feature-during-a -sleepover-in-9th-grade, Matt continues to be a very convenient character who doesn’t really exist until Lizzie needs him for a plot point. For that reason, I see Matt as Kramer-ish character who would probably try to subvert the system, but is realistically he’d probably end up in Hufflepuff because he doesn’t quite have Kramer’s dedication. Or personality.

Lanny

Lanny was a favorite. Just something about the name “Lanny” combined with his character’s no-talking gimmick. IDK, I enjoyed it. I think Lanny’s definitely a Ravenclaw, as he truly seemed to be the brains of the operation when it came to he and Matt’s shenanigans and better at keeping himself out of trouble.

And hey, if you compare Lizzie’s quotes and Lanny’s quotes, Lanny is more profound 100% of the time.

Ethan

Ethan’s pretty clearly a Hufflepuff, no need to waste space with this one. I do think of him often when I’m shampooing my hair, though, because his words of wisdom to Lizzle’s parents were that we should “lather and rinse, but not repeat.” Deep, man.

Kate

Kate’s probably a Slytherin, but she’s more of the Crabbe and Goyle variety than the Tom Riddle variety. She becomes Lizzie’s friend again in the Lizzie McGuire movie, but this was probably because Miranda was “on vacation”/battling addiction issues for the latter half of the series. Kate’s basically a really stupid Regina George, and that’s saying something.

To this end, I totally shipped Kate and Ethan together…

I always figured she’d get pregnant circa 10th grade with someone else’s baby, and would then explain to Ethan that it was “part his.” And Ethan would believe that. I don’t know why I have this specific vision, but hey, can’t argue with art!

And some of my own fanfics tips for the Hogwarts-verse: Slytherin Kate wrestles with her feelings for dishy Hufflepuff heartthrob Ethan Craft. It’s not fair! Why should two beautiful blonde people with similar confusions over where milk comes from be denied true love based on House prejudices?! Yes, it is a tale that not even Dumbledore himself could bring himself to feign interest in.

Tudgeman

When I got to high school, I legitimately thought that cool people would still interact with uncool people because of Tudgeman’s relationship with the characters on the show. If anyone’s curious, I found the truth out the hard way when I dressed up like Hermione on McGonagall’s birthday...although I did get some extra teriyaki nuggets that day because the lunch lady though there was something wrong with me, so it wasn’t a complete loss. Anyway, I think Tudgeman’s a Slytherin because he always had these evil plots and ideas; he also didn’t give two shits about what people thought about him.

I think Lizzie McGuire also gave me a lot of misgivings on that aspect of the junior high “social scene”. I was probably like a less-smart female version of Tudgeman in middle school. Except being less smart, I couldn’t really help anyone with their homework, so I was pretty much good for being the brunt of jokes like he was and that was in.

Mr. & Mrs. McGuire

Mrs.McGuire..I’m gonna go with Gryffindor on this one, mainly because Lizzie mom’s no-nonsense without being a huge bitch. So Gryffindor’s pretty much your go-to when you get that combo.

Poor Mrs. Lizzie’s Mom primary function was to keep everyone in line and to basically tell everyone to stop having fun when everyone was just having TOO MUCH FUN! Rough job Mrs. Mc, but somebody’s gotta do it.

The king of Dad Jokes, Mr. McGuire was probably once an attractive/hilarious catch, but has since become the human equivalent of a pair of Birkenstocks. I don’t really remember him having any other defining traits, so Imma just go with Hufflepuff.

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