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Housing Golden Girls Characters Into Their Hogwarts Houses.

Because you've done it.

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Do we even really need an introduction to this one? Golden Girls, as the name suggests, was a treasure that we as mortal beings have never been truly worthy of. And yet, it was bestowed upon us all the same between the years of 1985 and 1992 and we have cherished it ever since. The show is about four women over the age of 60 who live together in a house in Miami. There’s the sarcastic Italian-American Brooklynite, her even more caustic mother, a raunchy, a faded Southern belle, and a tender-hearted airhead from the Midwest.

Let me just be sure I’m making myself clear: it was a well-received and highly praised prime time show entirely starring and about older women. What the what?! That being said, let no one ever feed you the royal B.S. that “no one” wants to watch a TV show with an all-female main cast or that older women’s stories are of no interest to the main steam. Because clearly, they are.

Anyway...let the sorting commence!

Dorothy.

Seeing herself as the most sensible and level-headed of the household, Dorothy always tried to assume leadership of the group generally with not a lot of success. She was continually undermined, or just straight-up ignored by the other ladies. Nevertheless, sarcastic, wry, and witty Dorothy was clearly the most intellectual of the crew and they maaaaaybe could have all benefited from listening to her a little more now and then. Sometimes, though, her lack of emotional and/or street intelligence was the brunt of the joke. Anyway, it is with full conviction I dub Dorothy Ravenclaw.

We choose to see her as a mellowed-out, elderly Hermione. And you know what? In 50 years, I can honestly see Hermione thinking it’s a great idea to wear a mint green jump suit with a bowtie and red high heels.

Sophia.

Oh Sophia! You laugh-track-inducing lil’ scamp! Seriously, though, if Voldemort had a grandma it’d probably Sophia. And she’d probably have a field day with his life choices too. Who knows if what really sent Voldemort down his ambitious path of darkness was jibes from his Sicilian grandmother about his lacking love life?

If we compare Sophia Petrillo to anyone in the Harry Potter series, she is indeed a cross between Voldemort and Neville’s grandma. Her life is also reminiscent of that of Bathilda Bagshot, except Sophia she is somehow much more evil without a snake erupting from her mouth halfway through. Still, if Voldemort had actually done a good job at hiding his horcruxes, it would have been a great idea to vaguely say “Oh yeah, btdubs, he LAST PART part of my soul is hidden in this reaaaaaaally nasty elderly woman in Southern Florida. Have fun!”

Blanche.

Oh, Blanche...she’s a complicated one for me. But let’s be real, this show had so many inconsistent storylines that it’s hard to get a good measure. My cousin is obsessed with Golden Girls, and she informs me that in some episodes, Blanche had a husband who she loved eternally until his untimely death, and in some episodes he cheated on her, leading to her devolution into a “revenge slut.” In the case of revenge, babygirl is a Slytherin, no doubt. But if we believe the “seeking her one true love” storyline, it’s Gryffido’ fo sho. Your Blanche mileage may vary, outside world.

I’ll forgive all of this, because this was back in a simpler time, a darker time - back before we had continuity standards for our sitcoms, children’s shows, and toy lines. If Golden Girls were made today, I am sure the storyline would be air-tight, man. (That being said: DO NOT REMAKE GOLDEN GIRLS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Actually, for that matter, DON’T REMAKE ANYTHING ANYMORE please, have mercy on me, have mercy on us all.)

Rose.

Despite my lifelong obsessions with various fictional storylines, there are few fictional characters that I claim to know in real life. I’m not one of those people who spouts nonsense like, “My sister is just like Luna Lovegood, except that she had a baby at 14 and hates learning.” And when you’ve been to enough Wrock concerts, you do, indeed, meet that person.

However-- and I say this without a shred of doubt-- my late grandmother was Rose Nylund. From her white hair updo down to her sparkling golden slippers, the women were twins separated at birth. And for this reason, I know that Rose was a Hufflepuff, just like I know that Grandma Honey was one too. My grandma was famous for her absent-minded “Honeyisms” like, “I knew a man who killed himself one time,” and “I just got a great deal on canned beans. Go tell Oprah about me!” Despite being adorable and absent-minded, both Rose and my grandmother were all about caring for other people and generally being the nicest people you’d ever meet. So you rock that black and gold, Grams! I know you’re off partying with the Roses of the world!

I can see all the founders sitting around the fire one night declaring the personality types of the children they’d like to borderline kidnap/force into compulsory socially unacceptable education. Slytherin would talk about wanting the assholes SUPER CUNNING PEOPLE, Gryffindor would want the brave people, Ravenclaw would want the smart people, and Betty White would just look around the room, blink, and say, “Shit, were we talking about something?” Then Rowena would nod her head sagely and say, “She’ll...just take everyone else.” And don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure those exact words are in a Sorting Hat song, including the Betty White part.

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