"Gilmore Girls" Explained By Someone Who Never Saw It
It's time to revisit the adventures of Rory and Momma Gilmore in the magical town of Storybook, New York.
Matthew Perpetua: OK, who are they? What's their deal?
Cates Holderness: Those are the Gilmore Girls. The younger one is named Rory Gilmore and the older one is her mom.
Matthew: Do you know where they live?
Cates: In the hopes and dreams of a generation of young women.
Matthew: Fair enough.
Cates: But to answer your question, no. I assume it's a town with a dumb name like Storybook or something.
Matthew: Any idea where in the country it is?
Cates: I'm gonna guess upstate New York.
Matthew: Close enough.
Matthew: Who is this guy? What does he do?
Cates: That guy is probably a former hometown football hero love interest for Momma Gilmore. He spends a lot of time chopping wood and probably smells like a 1994-era Abercrombie store.
Matthew: What's his personality like?
Cates: He looks like the kind of guy who's quiet and sarcastic at first, but once you get to know him he's got a heart of gold. There's nothing he wouldn't do for his family, and even though he might not always say it aloud, he does little things to make you feel loved.
Matthew: What do you think she does for a living?
Cates: Is she a teacher? Or a cool librarian? She looks like a cool progressive librarian to me.
Matthew: Who are these people?
Cates: Wait wait wait, isn't that the dude who played FDR in Annie?
Matthew: It is!
Cates: Weird. FDR and his wife are, I assume, the Gilmore Grandparents.
Matthew: What are they like?
Cates: They look super rich. I mean, look at her suit jacket that's some high-level Talbots fashion right there.
Matthew: What is their relationship like?
Cates: Ohhh, that looks strained. I bet they're estranged. I bet Momma Gilmore got pregnant at a young age and her parents disapproved!!
Matthew: Who is this?
Cates: That's Melissa McCarthy. She looks very perky. She's gotta be Momma Gilmore's best friend.
Matthew: How do they know each other?
Cates: They...work together? At a bakery? It's possible Momma Gilmore is her boss?
Matthew: Who is this young woman? What is she like?
Cates: Well, first off, her sweater game is STRONG. That must be Rory's best friend from school. She's a sweet girl who just wants the best for Rory.
Matthew: And what about her?
Cates: Definitely Rory's main rival at school. This girl's very popular and driven, and while she and Rory butt heads all the time, when things get really bad they pull together and support each other.
Matthew: What is Rory's school like?
Cates: It looks like a really expensive private school filled with girls from privileged backgrounds. The student/teacher ratio is probably like 8:1.
Matthew: What is this guy's deal?
Cates: That dude looks like his name is either Chad or Brad. He also looks like the kind of guy who believes the friendzone exists.
Matthew: Who is this young man?
Cates: SAM WINCHESTER HOLY CRAP WAIT WAIT I KNOW THIS FROM TUMBLR HIS NAME IS DEAN AND THAT'S HILARIOUS
Matthew: What's his deal?
Cates: Umm...he's nothing like the guys Rory goes to school with. He probably goes to public school and works after school to help his family make ends meet.
Matthew: And who is this guy?
Cates: PETER PETRELLI FROM HEROES! OMG, I should watch this show shouldn't I?
Cates: OK, that dude, besides having some seriously styled hair, is the rival love interest. Rory spends the entire series torn between young Peter Petrelli and young Sam Winchester.
Matthew: What is their relationship like?
Cates: They look like they spent about three seasons building towards a kiss. There was a lot of denying their feelings, but eventually the pure attraction won out.
Matthew: How do these guys know each other?
Cates: Wow. Does Abercrombie dude always wear flannel and a backwards hat? They know each other because Peter Petrelli works at the shop that backwards hat dude owns.
Matthew: Who is this man?
Cates: Ooooh he's handsome. Is he Rory's dad?
Matthew: Yes! What do you their relationship is like?
Cates: Ahhh, yay! OK, so he and Momma Gilmore had a passionate love affair when they were in college together, but then she got pregnant. He didn't want to sacrifice his education and future by dropping out of school to support her, so she dropped out of school and moved back in with her parents. They broke up, obviously. But he still wants to be a part of Rory's life.
Matthew: What's this guy about?
Cates: That dude's a fixture in the quaint town they live in. He's always up to something — he either works for the local government or is constantly complaining about the local government
Matthew: Who is this fella?
Cates: That's the town villain. He's always putting a damper on the Gilmore Girls' shenanigans.
Matthew: What do you think is happening in that photo?
Cates: The town organized a sock-hop for reasons, and some shit went down because of it. He tried to sabotage the dance, but his plans were foiled.
Matthew: Who are these women?
Cates: Those ladies appear in almost every episode because they are fixtures at the bakery/restaurant place where Momma Gilmore works. They're always full of town gossip. You never know whose side they're on.
Matthew: How does this guy fit into things?
Cates: Uhhhh....he looks really downtrodden. He's probably a long-suffering secondary character whose life is complicated by the Gilmore Girls in endlessly frustrating ways, but he ultimately knows that he's a better person because of them.
Matthew: What is this dude all about?
Cates: Oh wow, that facial hair is amazing. I bet he and Momma Gilmore date briefly.
Matthew: What kind of guy is he?
Cates: Looks like a burnout of some kind. I bet he's never really accomplished everything in life he set out to do.
Matthew: And who is this?
Cates: That dude goes to school with Rory. He's a super rich dude, but he doesn't act like he's better than other people because of it. He's a legit nice guy, and he and Rory date briefly before realizing that they're better off as friends. There are no hard feelings after the breakup.
Matthew: Do you know where Rory goes to college?
Cates: Probably some Ivy League. Yale?
Matthew: What does Rory want to become?
Cates: A lawyer or a journalist?
Matthew: What happens with them?
Cates: They fall in love and get married, obviously. They spend a long time denying their feelings for each other before ultimately realizing that what makes them different is also what makes them so perfect for each other.
Matthew: How does the series end?
Cates: The series ends with Rory graduating college and moving away, probably to California or London, somewhere far away from her mom. Momma Gilmore knows it'll be hard, but supports Rory because it's what's best for her. She's really proud of how her daughter grew into a beautiful, mature woman, and she knows that no matter the physical distance between them, their love and friendship is strong enough that they'll always be there when the other one needs them.