1.
someone: *hurts me very bad* me: i don’t deserve this. i need to remove toxic people from my life them: hey sorry… https://t.co/dHB8HXKSKr
2.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
3.
Dog 911: what's ur emergency? Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK Dog 911: so? Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN'T COME BACK Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG
4.
[meeting girlfriend's parents] her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then? me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
5.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…
6.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
7.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
8.
[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
9.
me to dj: play this dj: this is a vine link?
10.
11.
restaurant Waiter: Your coffee Me: Could I have a little spoon please? Waiter: Certainly *delicately embraces me from behind* Me: lovely
12.
*rollerblades into my therapists office with a booster juice and a head full of unbrushed hair* Me: Karen you’re… https://t.co/MIoI7oCS7q
13.
Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you.
14.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
15.
[blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
16.
- Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth. - Vhere, here? - No... - Here? - No, just go look in- - GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
17.
TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?” *Me unloading full cart* First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this
18.
friend: can i ask for ur advice on something me (have never made a decision that didn't fuck me over for months afterward): yes absolutely