back to top

18 Fictional Tweets That’ll Crack You TF Up

"[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?"

Posted on


someone: *hurts me very bad* me: i don’t deserve this. i need to remove toxic people from my life them: hey sorry…


[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?


Dog 911: what's ur emergency? Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK Dog 911: so? Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN'T COME BACK Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG


[meeting girlfriend's parents] her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then? me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend


Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…


[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch


hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it


[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."


me to dj: play this dj: this is a vine link?


Twitter / Via Twitter: @gsheffr


restaurant Waiter: Your coffee Me: Could I have a little spoon please? Waiter: Certainly *delicately embraces me from behind* Me: lovely


*rollerblades into my therapists office with a booster juice and a head full of unbrushed hair* Me: Karen you’re…


Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you.


"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"


[blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


- Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth. - Vhere, here? - No... - Here? - No, just go look in- - GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?


TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?” *Me unloading full cart* First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this


friend: can i ask for ur advice on something me (have never made a decision that didn't fuck me over for months afterward): yes absolutely

Top trending videos

Watch more BuzzFeed Video Caret right

Top trending videos

Watch more BuzzFeed Video Caret right
The best things at three price points