An Illustrated Guide To Stealthy Farting

    No need to take a break from breaking wind.

    Pedro Fequiere
    by Pedro Fequiere

    BuzzFeed Staff

    The Crop Dust:

    Pedro Fequiere / BuzzFeed

    Move around, let a little bit of your fart out step by step. Before you know it you’ll be empty of all that gas and ready to attack the day.

    The Caca Cacophony:

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    Try and sync a reaaally loud cough with your fart. Slam a book, stomp the floor, any noise works really. Just make sure it’s loud and in-sync with your toot. If you do it too late, you’ll just feel foolish. Too soon and you’ll just have everyone’s eyes on you for your butt trumpet solo.

    The Porcelain Plank:

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    Only fart when you’re near a bathroom. That way you can blame whoever is in the bathroom obviously. If you’re not near a bathroom try and get close to something that stinks.

    The Doug E. Fart:

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    Start beatboxing your ass off! Chances are you won’t be as incredible as Doug E. Fresh but do your best to make noises similar to your fart. Try asking someone to freestyle to further your diversion.

    The “Spread ‘em":

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    However you do it, just make sure those booty cheeks are spread apart. Which is like putting a silencer on your butt gun.

    The Blame Game:

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    It’s basically what it sounds like. Just point the finger at anyone really. Don’t be surprised if they hit you with the “Whoever smelt it dealt it”. But you knew what you signed up for.

    The Footloose Flatulence:

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    No matter what you’re doing, break out to an intense dance. Hopefully the dancing will distract everyone from the fact that you’re actually farting. You’ll have the attention of the room, but luckily for you it’ll be the kind of attention you want.

    The Stop, Drop, and Blow:

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    Drop something, bend down to get it and say "Damn it!" loudly while letting out the fart and then quickly flee the scene. By the time the fart stench rises in the air you will be long gone.

    The “Clench your cheeks and hold it in forever”:

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    This is only a last resort when you can’t use any other fart hiding techniques. Make sure you don’t hold it in for too long though. Because you’re stomach will end up making louder noises than the fart you were holding in or even worse, you’ll float away like a balloon. It's rumored to have only happened once in the history of mankind.