1. You have a love-hate relationship with Karl Marx.
He was wrong about everything! He was right about everything!
2. You know how Weber would interpret conservative policies against public assistance programs.
Protestant Ethic, anyone?
3. You use Durkheim to understand mob mentality.
Collective effervescence, fuck yeah!
4. Youāre all about that intersectionality.
THINK ABOUT EVERY POSSIBLE ITERATION OF IDENTITY ALL AT ONCE!
5. You sigh when people mix up sex and gender.
They’re completely different. Oh, Zimmerman and West, don’t even get me started.
6. You know that everything, at least in part, is socially constructed.
But, no, actually I’m not sorry.
8. Bourdieu and Foucault get you hot and heavy.
If only you could understand their original writings…
9. You hear a lot of peopleās opinions on social reality, and theyāre mostly wrong.
“Actually, recent studies show that…”
10. So you spend a lot of time explaining why things happen the way they do.
To very little effect.
11. You see data where others do not.
It’s everywhere! Every social interaction! It’s beautiful!
12. You know that the intuitive is not always the truth.
Reality is always so much more complex.
13. Which is why nothing bothers you more than attempts to use personal anecdotes to refute research.
YOU’RE ONLY ONE PERSON, YOU FOOL!
14. You always resist entitlement by checking yourself on your own privileges.
15. You give others the benefit of the doubt, by considering their disadvantages.
16. You realize that most conservative politicians have no clue what theyāre talking about.
Like, they think poverty doesn’t exist or something.
17. When Justice Scalia said sociologists were undecided about the effects of same-sex parenting on children, you were furious.
18. But you know thatās all to blame on this guy.
Regnerus’s methodology was so bad. Like, pathetically bad.
19. YOU. HATE. CAPITALISM.
DO YOU SEE THAT?! NO MONEY FOR THE REST OF US DUCKS!
21. Which is why Wilkinson & Pickettās research on societal inequality validates everything you believe.
22. Though sometimes you do wonder if youāre too liberal.
23. But then you remember that itās all supported by science.
It feels good to be empirically correct
24. You hear āsociology isnāt a scienceā all the time.
What do you think science is then? Chemicals in a beaker?
25. 25. And you think āFine, say goodbye to any enlightened social policy thenā¦ā
26. Youāve given up on trying to bridge the ānatural science vs social scienceā divide.
Some day they’ll all come around and realize we’re both doing the same thing.
27. You roll your eyes when you hear people say that science is totally objective.
As if such a thing were even possible
28. You see how everything is interconnected.
Why are Americans opposed to polygamy? Because slavery. (No but really.)
29. So sometimes you wonder if social reality is just too complex for humans to ever truly understand.
30. And then you stare out the window, pondering if our field will ever discover a single theory that explains all of social reality.
31. Sometimes you think social psychology is a bit of a redundant discipline.
32. But mostly because you wish psychology, anthropology, and economics would all just join forces with you.
The disciplines need to stop using different terms for the same thing…
33. You know that so much amazing research could be done if only it werenāt for those darn ethical codes.
35. You get pissed off at people who claim that theyāre ācolor blind,ā in terms of race.
YOU’RE NOT COLOR BLIND, YOU’RE JUST IGNORING RACISM!
36. Youāre ashamed by how few people analyze society along lines of class.
37. You want to raise your children without gendered expectations.
YES, SO CUTE. THE EGALITARIANISM, IT’S ADORABLE!
38. You realize that racism is so much more than using slurs.
It’s how all of society is structured!
39. You see heteronormativity EVERYWHERE.
RuPaul ain’t gonna fix it all, honey.
40. Sometimes the feminization of poverty just makes you want to cry.
41. Culture of poverty theory advocates make you want to scream.
One myopic ideology to rule them all.
42. Youāre shocked by how sexist Disney movies are.
If only the music wasn’t so good!
43. The criminal justice system horrifies you.
Spoiler: It’s super racist and classist.
44. The education system disgusts you.
Spoiler: It’s super racist and classist.
45. The political system repulses you.
Spoiler: It’s super racist and classist.
46. You often daydream of a utopian society without gender, race, or class.
And then you remember that hunter-gatherer societies are pretty damn close, but you like modern technology and medicine too.
47. You frequently use sociology buzz words, like āsystemic, institution, binary, construction, and hegemonic.ā
48. And more āprogressiveā terms, like āqueer people, indigenous peoples, people of color, socio-economic status, gender identity minorities.ā
They’re more respectful AND more accurate.
49. Youāre not sure if youāre a conflict theorist, symbolic interactionist, or structural functionalist.
50. Or, for that matter, if youāre a positivist or interpretivist.
51. Or, for THAT matter, a post-positivist or constructivist.
53. Youāre often haunted by the realization that morality is completely relative.
54. You know how to fix all of the worldās social problems.
Just make everyone take a sociology course!
55. Youāre surprisingly good at statistics.
You’ve got to interpret the output in those journal articles!
57. It feels like you only study the bad parts about society, which has made you a bit of a cynic.
58. So youāve taken all of societyās burdens upon your shoulders.
And now you understand why Durkheim’s peers called him the metaphysician..
59. Which likely explains your alcohol consumption.
(Although the frequency at which your parents drank during your childhood better predicts your future drinking habits.)
60. But most of all, you love studying the science of how society works, and the insight it has given you is invaluable.
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