7 Hard (and Gross) Truths About Long Distance Running

Running a half marathon is the ultimate high, they said. You won’t barf on yourself, they said. You’ll never embarrass yourself, they said. LIES. Running isn’t all endorphins, rock hard quads, and dewy skin. Remember that the further you go, the grosser you’ll be.

1. You will get spit on.

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Either by yourself or by a random runner hocking loogies or blowing snot rockets.

Running in general makes your mouth dry. Running long distances in any type of extreme temperature causes all sorts of nastiness in your pie hole. Especially in New York City.

Spitting on yourself isn't nearly as bad as getting spit on by a gross human who thinks that he's a sub 3 hour marathoner, but it's still gross. If you're lucky, you'll be nearing the end of your run. If you're not…well, try to let it go and run as FAST AS YOU CAN TO A SHOWER.

2. Your pee will look like Coca Cola

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I went nearly 25 years without experiencing this. And then one day, after what felt like a really great half marathon, BAM. My first post-race piss was the color of Diet Coke and nearly drove me to the hospital. I was convinced that I was in renal failure and that I was going to die. I had been hydrating pre and post race as normal, so nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. I screamed bloody murder – luckily my cousin's husband had doctors / runners in his family and assured me that after lots of salt and electrolytes, that I would be fine. It was just severe dehydration. After 8 hours, I was 'golden.'

3. Your nipples will bleed.

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Nope, you didn't accidentally click off to a horror story about pregnancy. NOTHING can prepare you for this level of chafing. Boys – you are not exempt. Ladies – even if you're flatter than a 10 year old Justin Bieber, you are not exempt. Pretend like you're on a porn shoot, grease your puppies up and please FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY wear a sports bra and athletic shirt.

4. You will throw up.

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Usually, throwing up occurs at the end of a long race, if you're lucky. The end of race / run 'holy shit I'm almost done' excitement can cause a major urge to sprint. This can sometimes cause a serious problem. If you're really playing your cards right, you won't puke ON anyone, and you won't be photographed mid puke.

Pro tip:May I suggest NEVER experimenting with Gu or Gatorade or Jelly Beans or anything mid race. Ignore the 'Ooooooooo pineapple-watermelon energy drink samples, YUM!' voice inside you at mile 7 - learn from my mistakes, because dry heaving / walk / running for the last 400 meters of the NYC half marathon is awful, and I would rather skip barefoot through a field of broken glass.

5. You will ugly cry.

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We all know what 'ugly crying' is. Sometimes, running (especially LSD) can stir up emotions. Certain things can make this worse. Recent breakups, family tragedies, PMS, anger. Add to this a really sentimental cheesy playlist, and you are in prime condition for a MRUC (MID RUN UGLY CRY). I'm a big advocate of getting it out – crying releases all sorts of toxins that will make you feel amazing when you're done. But this will also increase the likelihood of snot rockets, boogers, and loogies – so proceed with caution.

6. You will shart yourself.

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I don't really have to go into too much detail here, but if this hasn't happened to you yet, consider yourself lucky – or re-examine your diet. The reality is that the balance of proteins and fats and carbs and fiber + hydration and overall weirdness of the human body is bound to cause some intestinal distress. If you're a grown ass person, you'll probably naturally assume that you've got total control over your, errrr, exports. This isn't always true friend. May the force be with you. Hope you stuffed some extra undies in your fanny pack.

7. You will smell.

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I pride myself on (usually) not being a smelly runner. But whoooooo. Sometimes I STINK. Like, gross myself out, look around to make sure it isn't anyone else because I can't believe it's me, stink. And it isn't always just the 'feeling lazy re-wearing clothes – hot weather' occasions.

You will find yourself smelling after a springtime 6 miler. AND YOU WILL NOT KNOW WHY. Blame hormones, pheromones, that pound of pad thai that you WERE CONVINCED YOU EARNED, or just blame pollution. Sometimes you will smell and you will not know why and you will have NO CONTROL. Accept this and move on.

Happy Running!