Mariah Carey; light of my life, soundtrack to my shower-singing and the first person I learnt that thing where you hoik up your bra with a hair tie to make your cans look huge.
I first fell in love with Mariah when everyone else was creaming themselves over the Spice Girls, like, shaking and crying in LOVE with them, not in a "that's so 90s! I'm going to re-post it on my tumblr!" way. But in reality, deep down I thought they were a bunch of clown-whores in stupid shoes that couldn't sing. Nevertheless, I continued to point-and-pout in the playground with my pals, as if idolising Vicky from up the road in Watford was a thing I actually wanted to do.
After that, I entered that awk pre-teen phase of thinking I should be more discerning about my music taste and pretended to take an interest Brit-pop (shut up). But, again, even though I thought Justine Frischmann looked like she'd been slamming crystal meth for six months, I faked giving a shit, in constant fear my older sister would walk in on me trying to emulate Mariah's eyes-closed-one-hand-holding-a-mic-the-other-hand-stroking-an-imaginary-window-pane singing technique.
But, somewhere between finding the music I really liked and then being paid to openly have an opinion on it (so you can STFU and look at Pitchfork if you don't want to read this), I stopped caring and started to fan-girl for Mimi openly. On that note, here's my Noisey guide to some of Mariah Carey's finest, and my favourite, moments.