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What Your Facebook Post Should Have Said

Facebook is a lying little hoe.

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Facebook, meet Reality...

Reality: Woke up in my own vomit. Can't find my keys. Or my dignity. Pretty sure I have chlamydia.

Reality: Literally just met. Future holds nothing.

Reality: After having a twenty minute tantrum because there were no chocolate chips and dropping her effing chocolate cone in my Kate Spade bag, my devil child finally passed out. Legit the days I wish I used a condom.

Reality: Shift manager at McDonalds.

Reality: Had a huge fight with my boyfriend and we broke up because he is a selfish prick who calls me fat and makes me cry. Then he bought me flowers cuz he was sorry. Which I threw out. After instagramming them, obvs.

Reality: Just stalked Tarrantino on set and caught 20 seconds of shaky iPhone footage of Al Pacino leaving his trailer. Flipped me the bird. Probably should have stayed in Wichita.

Reality: Spoiler alert, Sammy... she totally slept with your boyfriend.

Reality: Just went to the gym for the first time ever. Followed it with a pint of Ben n' Jerry's. No intention of being in a vertical position for at least 3 days.

Reality: Has no plans tonight. Never had a boyfriend.

Reality: 21 years old. Has entire life ahead of him, God help us all. And Heidi Klum IS hot.

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