10 Things Jay-Z Can Do That You Can’t

Let’s face it. No matter how many diamonds you throw up, you’ll never be as cool as Hov.

10. Marry Beyoncé.

And look at Beyoncé. Just look at her.

9. Hang out with this many awesome kids.

Even his kid friends are cooler than you. They live really, really hard knock lives, and they still get to sing in front of Bentleys.

8. Trick millions of people into buying his “last album.”

Only Brett Favre lied this much about his retirement. Jigga man has 99 problems, but apparently retiring is not one of them.

7. Name his daughter Blue Ivy

In 2007, he very clearly told me and the rest of the world that if he had a daughter he was going to call her Brooklyn Carter. At 0:37 this crowd knows what’s up. You lied, HOV. Again.

6. Sing a song with a former member of N Sync and not lose any street cred.

Pharell tried. I miss you, Pharell.

5. Rent a hospital ward.

Or buy it. Or whatever he did.

4. Own 20% of everything in Brooklyn.


Which brings me to my next point…

3. Take something from New Jersey and make it successful.

Jay-Z is the Emilio Estevez of our generation. Look at him. Standing in the middle of that crowd just throwing up the flying V.

Which brings me to my NEXT point…

2. Make hipsters like basketball.

Apparently so much so that they feel the need to post thoughtful selfies to express their love. And here I thought basketball was too mainstream.

1. Kick it with his homies. When his homies are these people.

Thank you, HOVA. For being you.

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