1. Flirting, as far as you're concerned, is a thing other people do – most likely other people who are also characters in Hollywood films – and something you would rather not do.
2. That's not to say you can't do light-hearted banter and witty retorts.
3. You just can't do it flirtatiously.
Me trying to flirt with my mailman
4. You can barely speak to people you fancy, let alone successfully flirt with them.
5. Or you do the opposite and straight-up word vomit.
6. Your usually hilarious jokes somehow just become unintelligible drivel.
7. You can never tell if someone is flirting with you.
8. No matter how forward someone is, you'll be able to reason away any ~flirty vibes~.
9. Or you won't even think about it until it clicks long after the interaction has ended.
10. Unless one of your friends points out something that was apparently so obvious to them.
11. Once you finally realise someone is flirting with you, and you don't fancy them back, you're horrified and completely unable to turn them down nicely, subtly, or convincingly.
12. And if you do fancy them, then you just become a human version of this spider.
13. Or you're so surprised to realise someone is trying to flirt with you that you're actually unable to react in any reasonable, human way.
14. Whenever you do actually make a conscious attempt to flirt, it always seems to go tits up.
15. If you try complimenting them, you always somehow compliment something too specific, which is kind of creepy.
16. When you try playfully teasing, you just end up insulting your crush.
17. Frankly, the thought of flirting just makes you cringe.
18. If the planets line up and by some strange circumstance you manage to have a successful flirtatious interaction, you can never follow up successfully.
19. And watching other people flirt fills you with secondhand embarrassment and awe.
20. You're kinda jealous of and have infinite admiration for your friends who are self-proclaimed ~flirts~.
21. But that's alright, because apparently the best kind of flirting is when neither of you know you're doing it.
