- MrSwearword + "Gay Men, Tell Us About The First Time..."
March 8th, 2013 at the age of 22 in college; spring break began as intro to sociology was released early and I ended up texting my ex boyfriend [who I was still friendly with at the time] who would clock out from his job around the time I text him [1:30-2:00, rough estimate]. After lying to my Dad that I was simply out walking, my ex and I ride the first of 2 buses to his place. My right arm was going numb from being so goddamn nervous about fooling around for the first time. EVER. 2 bus rides later, he and I walk into that Hoarders episode he calls his house [he lived with his parents too who were and probably still are Tea Party sympathizers.] I wait in his bedroom having stripped down to the maroon hoodie and boxers I was wearing as he lets out the 3 French sheepdogs he has [I think they’re called basinjis but I have no goddamn clue] and picks up their poo from the living room floor. 5 minutes later, he sees me on “his” side of the bed and then the good part happens. He and I strip then strip rest of our clothes off, I proceed to sniff his armpits and try to go for his feet but he shoos me away from there. Then, I suck his dick with the beliefs of “if I can deep throat, I’m doing it right” and “tis better to give, THEN to receive.” I then have him return the favor and I had never been happier with a mouth hug in my life. Bouts of oral later, he then asks me for my first time if I want to top or bottom. I say bottom and then he applies the condom to his dick, he lubes me then him up with that packet of lube. Doggy style to my ex, he asks me “do you feel it?” and I respond “I can barely feel the tip try to go in.” Turns out, the poor bastard was halfway in. Oops. Some makeup oral later he and I are then next to each other and each of us climaxes and his words to me were “Welcome to the community” to which my dumbass responds “that was euphoric”. POLYSYLLABIC WORDS AREN’T TO EXIST AFTER SEX. For what it’s worth, we did shower the remnants of my first time off together and after disclosing to me that I gave him the loudest orgasm of his life and that the sniffing the armpits thing was a bit much [prude], we watched Law and Order together before his parents were coming home. I then proceed to get the hell out of Dodge after kissing him goodbye where I end up on the wrong bus before eventually getting home around 9:30 at night. 2013 was also the last time I received oral sex but not by choice; I still give head and eat ass like I’m getting executed but I have yet to actually plow a man or get plowed by one. That’s a work in progress but I hope it happens soon. Oral’s fun but give me some dick; or give me some ass.
- MrSwearword "The Queens Of "Drag Race" Completely ..."
You got: Lickitung
You’re all about the foreplay. You know how important it is, and you’ve put in the time to perfect your technique. You see those people who can tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongues and think, “Amateurs.” With this tongue, I shall toss salad and hope it’s SUPER EFFECTIVE
- MrSwearword "Which "RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race" ..."
“You got: Tatianna
You are not afraid to speak your mind. Your friends come to you when they want to hear the truth. In addition, people tend to underestimate you, but that’s a huge flaw of theirs. You are always ready to turn the party and usually succeed at what you put your mind to.” THANK YOU. THINK EWE. THENK YUU. THAAANK YOUUU.
THIS IS BOWLSHIT! I DIID NAAHT HIT HER! I DIID NAAHT! OH HAIII MARK!
Not Another Teen Movie introduced me to Chris Evans and his ASSets as an actor. Also, he doesn’t read as a douchebag which is so nice.
- MrSwearword "Chris Evans' Version Of Masculinity I..."
- MrSwearword "These Stories About Mariah Carey's Gr..."