As someone who's intentionally child-free, I know what it's like to want adult-only spaces. Don't get me wrong, I love all my nieces and nephews! But sometimes, you're just in the mood for grown-up time.
Well, I recently stumbled across this post in the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit where a woman left wine night because a friend showed up with her eight-year-old. Here's the full story:
BTW, if you've never heard of it, r/AmItheAsshole is a place where people can ask folks on the internet to weigh in on if they're being an asshole or not in certain situations.
"I have a friend group of seven women from uni. I'm the only one who's childfree, but one is childless, two are pregnant with their first, and three have kids. We, as a group, rarely meet up. I've seen all of them maybe twice in the last year, and we all live in the same city."
"Every time someone asks to meet up and we finally find a date everyone is available, one of the moms always asks if they can bring their children. It's usually one of two moms, as the third actually wants to have a kid-free evening. And before anyone else can answer, the other mom says yes. All three moms have husbands who can watch their kids. Most of them also have both sets of grandparents who are involved. But somehow they never manage to find someone who can 'babysit' as they call it."
"So at this point, I've stopped answering until they've set a time and place, someone has asked about kids, and I say I can't make it. I hang out with them one-on-one, or in smaller groups instead. Well, a few days ago, we agreed to finally meet up. No one had asked about kids, and we were having a BBQ and wine night. Well, who shows up with their 8-year-old? Yep, one of the moms."
"I clearly didn't hide my annoyance, and one of the girls asked me why. I just waved it off, and 30 minutes later, I excused myself and left. Said I didn't feel well. In those 30 minutes, we hadn't had any 'adult talk' — we were just entertaining the kid. I would rather go home than do this for another 3–4 hours."
"After I left, I think they realized this was a pattern, and I got texts from most of the girls in the group: some calling me an asshole, others just saying they were annoyed with me for leaving, while the third mom had my back and asked to meet up later that week to have a proper wine night. I don't hate kids at all. I work with them every day and don't want to spend my time off, relaxing with friends, having to entertain other people's kids again. AITA?" she concluded.
As you might imagine, there were tons of responses for this one!
In case you're not familiar, people usually respond with one of four options: YTA (you're the A-hole), NTA (not the A-hole), ESH (everyone sucks here), or NAH (no A-hole here).
Most people said that OP is not the A-hole:
"NTA. Wine night with friends from college pretty definitely means no children."
"NTA. I'm a mom of two. I’d be PISSED if someone brought their kids to a night out. If I’ve sorted a sitter, I don’t want to see any kids."
"I feel like it's disrespectful to unilaterally decide to change an event for a group of people. I love children, but they DO completely change the vibe for the evening. I also feel like parents forget that their children are additional people and not just an extension of themselves. If you wanted to invite another adult, wouldn't you ASK if that was okay first? And that's just another adult who likely wouldn't change the dynamic of the evening. You don't just add another person without any communication with anybody in the group because that's RUDE, whether that person is an adult or a child."
But some thought everyone sucked in this situation:
"NTA or ESH, waffling back and forth here. I get the desire to hang out without kids, and it's a valid one. The reality is also that you're in a group where most of the people are or will be moms, so the idea that it's ever going to be easy to make plans where everyone leaves their kids at home is kind of a pipe dream, yeah? Not to mention it's kind of presumptuous to assume they could leave their kids at home but actively choose not to; it's more charitable to believe that if someone is asking to bring their kid along, it's for a reason other than trying to be a pain."
"ESH. Them because they shouldn't have brought their kids without discussing it. You, because honestly, if I was friends with someone who seemingly wanted nothing to do with my children, you'd be removed from my life. I understand kids being brought to adult meetups isn't okay, but you seem to want to avoid your friends' kids altogether."
And some thought that OP was definitely the A-hole:
"YTA because it sounds like you haven't been honest about how you feel, nor have you taken the initiative to plan a get-together without children. It sounds like you are expecting them to read your mind that you don't want to see the kids, and they are understandably taking your frostiness as a rejection of them as friends rather than being about the presence of kids. If it's important to you to spend time with the whole group, step up and make it happen! Show them that you value their friendship, and at the same time, set clear boundaries rather than just passively waiting for others to guess what you want."
"YTA for not communicating honestly with your friends on why you were bothered instead of being passive-aggressive about it. I'd be annoyed, too, if someone always brought their kids, but I'd at least tell them why."
Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with this woman wanting to hang out with her friends sans kids. But I do agree with the comments saying OP should communicate clearly — people aren't mind-readers! But now I'm curious: what do you think about all this? Is this woman the A-hole? Does everyone suck? LMK your opinion in the comments below!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.