We asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us their wildest bartender stories. Here are the responses that made us say, "OMG!"
1. "A customer walked into the lobby with a goat. A full-grown goat shitting in the lobby. I never expected I'd have to explain to a customer that they couldn't have their goat in the restaurant."
"The owner tried to claim that it was an emotional support goat, but they didn’t have any proper paperwork because it most definitely was not true. Eventually the customer left with his goat and did not try to return."
2. "I used to work in a cheesy club. One night, the staff commented on the intense smell coming from somewhere near the bar. After a few minutes of 'Who farted?' jokes, a bouncer informed us that there was poo on one of the banisters leading to the upstairs dance floor."
"A while later, a very drunk man wearing a white shirt with stains that looked like blood all over him came to the bar to order a drink. The smell returned. It took me a few seconds to realize this man had shit himself and proceeded to wipe his hands on his shirt and SEVERAL areas in the club."
3. "Guys regularly grab my hand and kiss it. I’m pretty used to that flirting. But one time, a guy grabbed my hand and sucked my finger. The worst part was he left immediately after, so I didn’t get the satisfaction of kicking him out."
4. "I once served a dominatrix and her client. She ordered him a bowl of milk, which she put on the floor and ordered him to lap up like a cat."
5. "I was working on Mother's Day, and my coworker was complaining about how she was having the worst cramps of her life. Because it was one of the busiest days of the year, they wouldn't let her go home even though she was doubled over and in tears."
"Eventually she just walked out and headed to the hospital. Turns out she was in labor. She had a medical condition that made her weight fluctuate a lot and gave her inconsistent periods, so she had no idea. Needless to say, our employer had to do major damage control."
6. "A guy came in already drunk. I gave his girlfriend their drinks before realizing it. He started picking fights with the other guests, so we called the cops. The cops pulled him to the side, and I heard him scream, 'I went to fucking Dartmouth!'"
7. "I bartend at an airport. Two mothers with children came in for some preflight cocktails. One of the kids, 3 or 4 years old, tugged on her mother’s shirt and said, 'I need to go potty!' The mother ignored her and continued to sip her Long Island. A couple minutes later, the little girl was red in the face."
"Once again, she looked at her mom and said, 'I gotta potty NOW!' and again her mother just shrugged it off. The little girl stood up, walked to the aisle, dropped her pants, and squatted. The looks on everyone’s faces were priceless. Once the child was done, the mom asked my coworker if he was going to clean it up. He handed her a towel and said, 'Nah, you should’ve listened to her the first time.'"
8. "A table ordered a frozen margarita, which came in a fishbowl glass. An older gentleman beside them pulled me aside and asked me to make him the same drink, only without alcohol. It was our policy that all virgin drinks had to be served in a Styrofoam cup."
"So I made him the virgin drink and served it to him in the cup. He yelled at me that I was discriminating against him and threw the drink at me."
9. "This drunk guy came in and put a dip in his mouth. He picked up my shaker tin to spit his nasty tobacco juice. I grabbed the shaker without saying a word or losing eye contact and lifted it up dramatically over a trash can and dropped it straight in the bin."
10. "When I first started bartending, a coked-out biker sucker-punched a guy and knocked out his teeth. I had to go tell him that was not cool. His wild eyes moved back and forth between my face and the pool cue in his hand."
"I had to plead with him not to beat my face in with a pool cue. It was the most terrifying moment of my life."
11. "Some girl broke the toilet in my night club. No witnesses, no noise, no injury. I still want to know how they managed to crack the toilet that way. The next morning, I’m bartending brunch, and we have the stall locked, taped, with a giant 'Out of Order' sign to prevent use."
"Somehow, the girls who went too hard at brunch didn’t notice we have a perfectly operational stall next to the out-of-order one. Walked in to check the restroom, and not only was the door kicked in, but there were TWO shits, visibly from different people. I asked my busser to get cleaning supplies, and in the span of five minutes, a girl was filling the broken toilet to the brim with puke."
12. "Just tonight, some asshole only wanted to speak to my male coworker. I said, 'He’s in the middle of an order, and I’m happy to help, as we share tips and tabs.' He refused."
13. "A man waited at my bar until his girlfriend showed up. Two hours later, she went to the bathroom, and he made a phone call. When she came back, he hastily hung up. From across the bar, I saw her start yelling at him. She slapped him across the face and stormed out. The entire area fell dead silent."
"Turns out, he called his ex to try and get some while his new boo took a bathroom break. Next thing I knew, this man was calling 911 to report being physically assaulted in a bar fight! Unbeknownst to him, our security was largely composed of off-duty cops, who saw the whole thing go down. He ended up not pressing charges and left a 50% tip on his $200 tab. Still banned him, though."
—Erin
14. "I worked in a hookah lounge that served cocktails. There was a party that came in, and they tipped over a hookah onto their jackets. A screaming lady hightailed over to me, demanding that I pay for her ruined jacket. I said that I did not knock over the hookah, but I could check the cameras to see who did (it was one of her friends)."
"She demanded that I give her $300 for the jacket and started calling me names, asking for the manager (I was the manager). Then the same friend who tipped the hookah over threw a whole drink over the $5,000 DJ equipment!"
15. And finally, "A bar crawl ended with people doing shots out of each other's bare butts (girls and guys). This was before eating ass was so popular."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.