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    Posted on Nov 20, 2014

    18 Secrets Jews Won't Tell You About The Holidays

    Eighty-two percent of Jewish households have never had a Christmas tree. The 18% who do call it what it is.

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    1. Hanukkah ceases to be cool after age 17.

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    Y'know, when your parents start being like: "We're just getting you one gift this year, because you're an adult." That's when Christmas jealousy really sets in.

    2. Hanukkah is actually not that important in the scheme of Jewish holidays. (Yom Kippur, Passover, and Rosh Hashanah are way more important.)

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    Which makes the holiday season something of a guilty struggle.

    3. The idea of a "Hanukkah bush" seems like a lackluster substitute for an actual Xmas tree.

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    Eighty-two percent of Jewish households have never had a Christmas tree. A "Hanukkah bush" is basically a gateway drug for those who do.

    4. If you've gotten a tree as an adult, you've probably kept it a secret from your family.

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    Because if your mom knew, she'd be afraid that you've turned your back on Judaism.

    5. If you do eventually go for the Christmas tree, you feel compelled to buy silver and blue ornaments.

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    Hanging matzoh and Stars of David can help quell guilt too. But you're not fooling anybody.

    6. At some point or another we've all tried to host a Christmas dinner that just didn't work out.

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    Turns out ham's not kosher. Weird.

    7. You legitimize listening to Christmas music by calling it "good music."

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    "He has come" could mean anything, really.

    8. Christmas movies are awesome.

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    We don't really need to see A Hanukkah Story, thanks.

    9. We don't always eat Chinese food on Christmas.

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    Sometimes we have pizza.

    10. We're never sure if we need to disclose our Judaism at Christmas events.

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    Like... "Can I be here?"

    11. When people ask if Jews celebrate Christmas, you tell them "no." This is a lie.

    We react with some sort of shock/horror. And then sometimes we go home and bake Christmas cookies.

    12. You don't realize how much your Judaism means to you until you have kids and it's Christmastime.

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    ...Then you'll do anything to make Hanukkah cool.

    13. You have never been visited by Hanukkah Harry but probably believed in Santa Claus for a while.

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    You can't expect an 8-year-old to keep a secret that big.

    14. You're incredibly jealous of all the cool presents your Christmas-celebrating friends manage to get.

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    You know that eight days of Hanukkah means four days of presents and four days of socks.

    15. When you volunteer to work on Christmas to seem like a hero, it's actually no big deal to you.

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    But you'll only volunteer if you haven't been invited somewhere for Xmas awesomeness.

    16. No one celebrates Chrismukkah.

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    It is a trope from The O.C.

    17. You know the story of Christmas better than you know the story of Hanukkah.

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    OK, so...the Maccabees...oil...Jews...um, presents?

    18. A lot of us still don't know how to spell "Hanukkah."

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    Channukah? Hanukkah? Chanukah? Hachnuckkahhah? We have no idea.

    On that note, Chag Sameach!

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