69 Things You Need To Know About The Gathering Of The Juggalos
We went to the 2013 Gathering of the Juggalos and are here to tell you everything you need to know. Whoop whoop!
69. If you want to have a good time then you should shave your head and paint a weed leaf on top.
68. Or just get a hatchetman tattoo at the tattoo booth. We'd advise against the $165 "SHROOMHEAD" tattoo, though.
But if that doesn't seem good, just get a clown tattoo. There is an entire wall dedicated to them.
67. You can watch some dude funnel a a cocktail of Faygo, hot sauce, and liquor from some guy in a hockey mask.
66. If you want to ride in style, you should probably do this to your car.
65. Juggalos like to attach balloons to themselves. Attach one to yourself if you don't want to get lost.
64. If you and a friend want to dress up, good options are Juggalo Fred Flintstone and Juggalo Barney Rubble.
63. The safest way to ride a carnival ride is to go on one operated by some dude in a 420 shirt.
62. The best way to carry your drink is inside a chicken.
61. There is a man who hangs from the skin of his back and swings back and forth with Faygo bottles attached to him.
60. If you really want to stand out while wearing a penis on your face, you should probably wear three.
59. Apply for Batman porn.
58. You're probably going to get photobombed. Photobombs are so hot right now in Juggalo culture.
57. Fuck the FBI.
56. You will see a lot of butts.
55. One of the best places to hang out is the Juggalo strip club.
54. Make sure you enjoy the little things, like empty Faygo bottles floating in Hepatitis Lake.
53. If it's your first Gathering, a good move is to make a bodysuit out of a pizza box.
...complete with a personal blunt roller.
52. Keep your boyfriend close and your Faygo closer.
51. Don't pass out during a show.
50. You probably shouldn't go to the bathroom outside next to a wall covered in bad porn.
49. You're going to see a lot of Juggalos passed out in funny places every morning.
So it's a good idea to remember to pass out in a proper place not covered in mud with your shoes on.
Don't pass out just outside your tent.
Don't pass out in the middle of Hepatitis Lake.
48. This is totally safe.
47. The Gathering might be the only place where you can see a little person named Penguin smoke a bowl while simultaneously going through a tennis racquet.
46. Murdersota is a great name for Minnesota.
45. Read the bathroom graffiti.
44. The Gathering might just be the best place to find a new name for your metal band.
43. If you want to decorate your campsite, bring a bunch of Snapple umbrellas and put a "Fresh Oil" sign outside of your tent.
Or stick a banana peel to a tree.
42. Juggalos love a good punch or kick in the dick.
41. If you're feeling adventurous, get a vagina fumigation.
40. Check out the underground stage for new talent.
39. Wear "slut" leggings.
38. There is a guy who looks like a Juggalo version of the lead singer of Smash Mouth.
37. Dye your chinstrap.
36. Tie string to your beard and make a really long beard string.
35. You need to check out the tattoo competition.
34. There is an Australian Juggalo.
33. If you're lost, get fucking info at the info tent.
32. If you're going to shower (most Juggalos do), use the ones on top of the hill. The trailer showers are busier and, you know, in trailers.
31. Check out the drug bridge, if that's your thing.
But don't die on the drug bridge, otherwise you'll ruin it for everyone.
30. You might want to wear a shirt that calls Jesus a cunt.
You should also wear your "chubby fingers" shirt...
...and a "FUCK YOU!" shirt, because why not?
29. Don't be frightened by a man wearing a Batman cape and a huge dildo.
28. Get the stoner bowl.
Just don't watch them pour the cheese out of a can.
And don't get the chicken on a stick. It will give you severe heartburn.
27. Be ready to meet all different types of people.
26. The ground is uneven. Don't trip.
And if it rains, you're screwed.
25. Make sure you try out the games. You can win Cheetos and hot fries.
24. If it's your birthday, wear a sign that asks for things.
23. Spell "tits" correctly.
22. Paint your child's face.
21. You should rename your car, but it's doubtful you'll think of a better name than the "Juggabago."
20. Big Silva is a giant duct-tape ball. If you like watching things like toilets and computers being destroyed, then you should check that out.
19. Advertise your Juggalette cam service.
18. Hepatits Lake gets increasingly dirty as the Gathering goes on. You probably shouldn't swim in it.
17. Megaphones are all the rage. They will wake you up throughout the night.
16. Get a balloon penis made. They also make vaginas.
15. Juggalo sunscreen = flour.
14. Watch where you sit in the morning. You might sit on someone's old egg sandwich and a flyer for a band called Spoiled Milk.
13. Don't drop your funnel cake on the ground. It's sad.
12. The best place to have a romantic moment is situated right in front of the French fry stand.
11. Be creative when selling your drugs. There is a lot of competition, so do what you can to get noticed.
Also, don't drop your sign!
10. Put a doll on a pole.
...or just carry your doll...
...or stick a tampon in her head.
9. Eat a corn dog while telling people to go to hell.
8. Check out the rap battle. You might even get to see a man dressed as a wolf.
7. Yarn is basically the Juggalo version of hair extensions.
6. Go topless.
And wear colored contacts.
5. Avoid the love trains...unless you want to be covered in Faygo or flour or some other mysterious substance.
Don't hang out of the back of a love train where someone has written "poop."
4. Always buy pants that are hanging from the back of a truck.
3. If you are not a Juggalo, then you should pretend you are. That way you can get a discount on Hula-Hoops.
2. If you need titty, you should make a sign.
1. Watch the fireworks after ICP performs.
All photos by Matt.