28 Songs That Shouldn't Have Flopped But Straight People Exist

This isn't necessarily an attack on straight people, this is an all-out war on heterosexuality.

1. "Sparks" by Hilary Duff

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It's a straight-up hate crime this gorgeous song wasn't a No. 1 hit.

2. "Cool for the Summer" by Demi Lovato

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Apparently straight people never got the memo that "Cool for the Summer" was the song of the summer for the past three years.

3. Tinashe's entire music career.

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It's a literal gay nightmare that Tinashe hasn't *happened* yet.

4. Fergie's nonexistent second album.

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I blame heterosexuality on her 72 buzz singles and no second album.

5. "Slumber Party" by Britney Spears

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I find it sad that st*aights just couldn't relate to this gorgeous song about lesbionic sleepovers in illuminati mansions.

6. "Touch" by Little Mix

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I find it anti-gay that Little Mix has been unable to break into the US market. Trump's America, indeed.

7. "Sledgehammer" by Fifth Harmony

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Heterosexuals were just not ready for this bop!

8. "4th of July" by Kelis

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Flesh Tones made me gayer, and straight people could use a little bit of that (the gay).

9. "I Luh Ya Papi" by Jennifer Lopez

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My eternal song of the summer that never happened because straight people don't like nice things.

10. La Roux's last album.

Juno Records

It invented trop-pop, something straight people (Justin Bieber👀 ) took credit for.

11. "Fuck Apologies" by JoJo

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A talented vocalist with good songs, if only the general public could see that. 😭

12. "Livin' It Up" by Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj

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This wasn't even a single but it deserved to be. I blame the patriarchy, I guess?

13. Florrie, the singer

Sony Music

Let Florrie flourish outside of the homosexual market. Please.

14. "Heartstrings" by Leighton Meester

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Literally the only thing I care about in life right now is Leighton Meester's music career.

15. Bonnie Mckee, the singer

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Literally just poor Bonnie.

16. "Here's to Never Growing Up" by Avril Lavigne

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From Avril's CRIMINALLY + problematically underrated last album. Imagine being a heterosexual and not knowing that?!

17. "G.U.Y." by Lady Gaga

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Like most gay things, "G.U.Y." was ahead of its time.

18. "Lemonade" by Danity Kane

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I would blame straight people on this flopping but honestly Danity Kane just really fucking hated each other.

19. "Don't Hold Your Breath" by Nicole Scherzinger

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Nicole Sjkalsafkljasdfkjl's best song, completely ignored by heteros!

20. "Everything Is Embarrassing" by Sky Ferreira

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Meanwhile, my straight brother is sitting next to me "explaining" that this song would have never happened because it's indie. Get a life, Dave! Stop pop-splaining me!

21. "Get Outta My Way" by Kylie Minogue

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It's 2017 and straight people still have relegated Kylie to Madonna's shadow and I am NOT okay with that.

22. "How to Be a Heartbreaker" by Marina & The Diamonds

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Unfortunately, and I say this with love, Marina will always be for the gays (and lovers of gayish, gay-like, highly homo things).

23. "Closer" by Tegan and Sara

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Yes, the rumors are true, America is afraid of two powerful queer women who make bops.

24. "Into You" by Ariana Grande

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No, this song didn't remotely flop...but it should have been No. 1 for 74 weeks. I hate that I live in a world where "Dangerous Woman" was a bigger hit than this.

25. "Woohoo" by Christina Aguilera feat. Nicki Minaj

RCA

You'll only hear me say this once: Bionic is a good album that was ahead of its time. Straight ears just couldn't understand that.

26. "Ugly Heart" by G.R.L.

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G.R.L. could have been *that* girl group but breeders decided otherwise. Sad.

27. "Dancing on My Own" by Robyn

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This song has a cult-like straight following, but that's not enough. Every straight person from Maine to Minnesota (and beyond) should know this song!

28. And Carly Rae Jepsen.

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Frankly, it is straight-up homophobic that Carly Rae Jepsen isn't a top-selling artist. THE END.

You can listen to the Spotify playlist here:

embed.spotify.com