If you didn't hear already, there's going to be a "Straight Pride" parade in Boston later this summer and, you know what, it's about time!
“Straight Pride” parade planned in Boston. With floats.
For too long straight people have had to hide in the shadows, unable to celebrate their rich cultural traditions. It's just not fair.
So how can YOU, a straight person, celebrate Straight Pride Month? It's easy!
Just...
1. Put all of your empty liquor bottles on top of the cabinets of your kitchen.
2. Decorate the top of your cabinets with, like, 17 whey protein containers.
3. Put up a random flag in your living room.
4. And if you don't have a random flag, this poster will do.
5. Make sure your coffee table looks exactly like this:
6. And don't forget to add one single candle that looks like it's begging for the sweet release of death.
7. If you don't have a coffee table, you can just take decorate your living room like this:
8. Add some spice to your living space and decorate your walls with old beer containers to prove that you drink beer.
9. And be sure to leave a bunch of crusty ol' pizza boxes out all over the place.
10. Get this exact haircut...
11. Wear this exact shirt...
12. ...with these sandals...
13. And just, like, do this all the time:
14. Fill your sink with some freshly clipped beard trimmings:
15. And be sure to have exactly THIS much toilet paper in your bathroom:
16. Take a picture holding a fish in this exact pose:
17. Communicate to other humans like this:
the duality of man
18. Fill your sink with dirty dishes that "definitely aren't mine" from about three months ago.
19. And, of course, never put the roll of paper towels back on the paper towel holder.
20. Live in an apartment with a smoke detector that's been unplugged and beeping for the last 7–8 months.
21. Sleep on a mattress on the ground instead of investing in a bed frame.
22. Exclusively drink out of one of these cups:
straight culture is a disease
23. Fill your refrigerators with milk containers containing precisely this amount of milk:
24. Change your Facebook profile picture to something that looks like this:
25. And, finally, make sure to completely cover your bathroom in pubes:
Happy Straight Pride, everyone!
