1. Once upon a time, on Thursday, at a movie premiere in the city of New York, there was a man in a velvet suit.
2. Yes, velvet suits normally look really fucking stupid and sound like a horrible idea, but on this man it looked perfect.
3. Because it’s Ryan Gosling and it’s perfectly tailored and Ryan has a super-hot body and a flawless face. Duh.
4. So anyways, suddenly a ray of light hit his face and a man called out.
5. “Hey, Ryan, it’s me, God. I don’t think I’m worthy of this duty. You are far superior to me. I give up.”
6. “Me?!” Ryan said. “But how could I…?”
7. “Ryan, I am a mere peasant next to you. I’m resigning. Luv ya. Bye!”
8. So Ryan was like, “OK whatever” and did what he did best…
9. He stood.
10. And smiled.
11. And stood.
12. And smiled.
13. Then there was an earthquake or a volcanic eruption or something.
14. And suddenly there was world peace and everyone had food and shit, and everything was perfect and there were, like, no diseases.
15. *Gos Bless*
- Caitlyn Jenner told President Trump that his administration's rollback of protections for transgender kids was a "disaster."
- Recreational marijuana needs "greater enforcement" of federal law, said Spicer, pitting the White House against eight states that legalized its use.
- A researcher with Human Rights Watch was denied entry into Israel after the country's government called the organization "propaganda."
- Beyoncé has pulled out of performing at Coachella, citing doctors' advice about keeping a less rigorous schedule while pregnant 🐝😭