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    Dear USA, Wake The Fuck Up And Start Realizing "Chantaje" >>>> "Despacito"

    The better song should win in the end.

    The other day, I had a revelation:

    Woke up with a clear mind and a revelation: Chantaje >>>>>> Despacito.

    After I tweeted out my revelation, I was rightfully dragged.

    People were riled and I was getting reamed.

    Sad.

    Now, people, I understand. I am a dumb white person who ages like sour cream. I am obviously behind on the the times and worthy of this dragging...but oftentimes Americans need reeducation.

    Magone / Getty Images

    You see, while North America is jizzing themselves for "Despacito," a better song is just in the shadows that was a HUGE HIT just about everywhere else. That song is called "Chantaje" and it is fucking awesome.

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

    Also, before we get problematic, I understand that there is room for many, many Spanish songs in the US — I'm just picking this example because I really, really, REALLY love "Chantaje."

    Now, here's why...

    First of all, the song is by the queen of small and humble breasts, Shakira.

    youtube.com

    Iconic!

    Secondly, we all know that the that the *new* "Despacito" features Justin Bieber...

    ...but why listen to JB when you can listen to "Chantaje," which features Maluma?

    Maluma's Snpachat

    I mean, holy tits!

    Maluma's Snapchat or Insta

    The music video also has Shakira making me question my homosexuality.

    But then Maluma comes back in and it's like..

    ...never mind, gay again.

    There are also baby-sounding voices throughout the song, which is, needless to say, very catchy.

    Shakira does a boob pop. I'm here for it.

    And she even walks a damn pig!

    The song is honestly just amazing and I want everyone in the US to know about it and I want it to go No. 1 and I want Maluma to be my husband.

    Maluma's Snapchat

    End of story and thank you for your time. #SupportChantaje

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

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